Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Don't Take Anything For Granted

I am a member of a forum for pregnancy and motherhood. And lately there are several things on there that are annoying to me (and I see them in real life too). The biggest thing is how much of pregnancy and childbirth that people take for granted. And how once a woman reaches 37 weeks, they assume everything is going to be "just fine." How an early elective induction is not a problem. And how they just can't wait to not be pregnant anymore. I'm sorry, but as a mother who didn't even get a third trimester, I see the benefit and necessity of the full 40 (+) weeks of pregnancy. Every week, every day, makes a huge difference. A baby's lungs are not even finished developing until the very final weeks. 40 weeks...just 40 weeks out of your lifetime, that is a small sacrifice to make for your child. WHY be induced at 37 or 38? Are you really so selfish that you want to be done with pregnancy so bad that you'll compromise your child's health for two measly weeks? Tell ya what, I would gladly take your two weeks...I'll take all your two weeks. But of course, I got off "easy" and "missed out" on the last TWELVE weeks. So what do I know huh?

When your little one is born and he/she is placed on your chest, and daddy and grandparents are standing around taking pictures...don't take that for granted. There may be a mommy in the next room on the phone to a NICU two hours away trying to get directions to go see her baby for the first time and wondering if he'll even be ok until she gets there to see him. As you are being discharged being wheeled to your car with your baby in the carseat.......dont take that for granted. There may be a mommy being wheeled to her car empty handed..... Family members, as you get on the elevator to go see your newest addition, bubbling with excitement as you carry cameras and flowers and gifts....dont take that for granted. There may be a solem couple carrying a small cooler and a breast pump stepping on the elevator too making their umpteeth trip to the NICU next door.

I've been the other person in all those scenarios.

I know I blog about this stuff alot...its my therapy. I have serious issues with our experience. I am unable to let it go. Not ONE DAY goes by I dont relive part of it. Not one single day.... I wonder if that will ever get better? I wonder if that will ever lessen. I dont want to forget, but I dont want to be haunted forever either. I cannot move on, its part of me now. Call me crazy if you want to...



Thursday, May 21, 2009

Just Pictures

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


This weekend I was at a park with some time to spare. I got to watching the Canadian geese on a pond. There were several families of geese. There were two families with 6-8 goslings each, the dad would lead them off and they would all follow behind, mama bringing up the rear. Dad would duck under the water and the littles would all follow suit, though not as gracefully. They were carefree and happy. The one particular little family caught my eye. They stayed off to themselves a little more. At first you would just see mom and dad, then if you looked closely you would see him, their ONE tiny little gosling. He was smaller than the rest and he was an only child. Mom and Dad seemed very proud, yet very nervous. As I sat there watching, I wondered about their story. Its not overly common (I don't think) for their just to be one baby. I wondered if maybe mama had trouble getting her eggs to hatch. Or if maybe some creature raided their nest and their was only one precious egg left to hatch. Or if maybe they started out a family of ten but something happened and now just their one little baby was all that was left. It was obvious they were nervous, they never let Junior get far, and never let anyone get too close. But it was also obvious that they cared very much for their little guy.

I could relate. These poor geese got to see all the families with lots of babies. And since their baby was obviously half the size of the other babies, I'd venture to guess Mother Goose got to see other mamas will full nests. I visualize her carefully building her nest and wating for the eggs to come. Or maybe she had a full nest, but had to start over after losing the eggs. But I could also relate to their happiness and pride in their one baby.

Maybe I am reading too much into the thoughts of geese. But it was a nice lesson to me and a beautiful thing to see.

I am proud of my family. So glad that God made us a family, no matter the hardships, the trials, or the road we had to travel to get here. I am glad I had Klay to travel it with me. Glad we picked up Isaac along the way. And am excited to see what twists and turns the road will take. There were parts of the path that were beautiful, like walking through a field of flowers, yet parts of the path that were scary, like walking through a dark woods. But even dark woods can be beautiful if you look beyond the shadows.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Crafty Mama

I'm a crafty mama. I have been sewing since I was 7 or 8, I love it. Especially sewing for others, though unfortunately, there are WAY more cute things to make for little've been making pillowcase dresses! I started out just making one from scraps, just for fun, and I had people asking me left and right for them! So...I decided to sell them to fund my hobby! And they are going like hotcakes! Though I must admit...I've made three out of the same fabric, with three more to go and honestly...I'm sick of the pink! But it looks like some red, white, and blue ones are in order! =)

In a way I almost feel bad charging for them, they are so simple to make... But I guess if you aren't a sewer it may seem like a daunting project. I'm wanting to go shopping and get some more fabric to make ones with a contrasting bottom border and such, just haven't done that yet. Have to sell a few before I can go buy more fabric! haha

Friday, May 8, 2009

Mothers Day

I am Erin.
I have PCOS.
I took 5 "rounds" of Clomid.
I took 5 months of Metformin.
I had blood drawn once a month.
I had an HSG.
I got pregnant.
I took progesterone.
I went into labor at 28 weeks (7 months).
I never had a third trimester.
I have given birth without any medication.
I commuted to Little Rock (2 hours) for 63 days.
I now know what Retinopathy of Prematurity is.
I now know what Patent Ductus Arterious is and the sugerical procedure to fix it.
I now know what a Level III Intraventicular Hemorrage is and what it means.
I know what a Bradycardia is.
I know what the abbreviations for all those terms are and can use them easily.
I have rejoiced and cried over a poopy diaper.
I have been spit up on
I have been pooped on.
I have had my nose chewed on.
I have had my earrings pulled out.
I have sat and watched a baby sleep.
I have heard the sweet sound of "ma-ma-ma" (and what I think is "I lub U")
I am Erin.

Happy Mothers Day to all mothers, young and old. Women longing to be Mothers. Mothers to be. Mothers to 4-legged furry children. Mothers of lots of children. Mothers of just one. Mothers of sick babies. Mothers celebrating in NICUs. Mothers celebrating their 1st Mothers Day. Mothers celebrating their 40th Mothers Day. Mothers celebrating with several generations of mothers. Adoption Mothers. Foster Mothers.

My first time holding my little one.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I'm in an opinionated mood today, this week if you havent been able to tell by my blogs. I guess I am tired of bowing to doing what every one thinks I should do/say/think. I feel like I've just learned to stand up for myself and am doing it. However, on the flip side I feel very confrontational and am hoping I stay out of trouble.

I am utilizing my blog for this purpose. I decided its MY blog. You read it by choice. And it should be a safe place to express my opinion. But yet, in the back of my mind I worry about offending people who read it. Go figure. I'm so wishy-washy.


Mowing your rock and limb ridden yard on a rickety riding lawn mower with your kids wagon tied behind it with a string and your three kids piled in the wagon, arms hanging over the sides is a BAD IDEA!!!

It is NOT a "good daddy trying to spend time with his kids"
It is NOT just being "country kids and doing fun stuff"
It is NOT safe because if they fell out the mowing would go away from them.
It is NOT safe because he is driving slow.
Rocks can STILL fly up and hit them.

I CANNOT believe people think this is a good or okay idea. Seriously.

Am I being THAT uptight? Does everyone really see this as ok?

(For the record, not his is not us, its our wonderful neighbors.)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I miss my snuggles....

Isaac started sleeping through the night, not sure if its just a phase or if it will continue but for the past THREE nights in a row, our bed had been "baby free." You would think this would make me happy. To have a whole nights sleep, no kicking, scratching, or constant sucking, what could be better right? Wrong! Now, granted at 2am after my little leach (as I lovingly called him) was STILL latched on nursing it seemed annoying, but now my bed seems lonely. I kept getting up to check on him, even though his Angel Care monitor showed he was still breathing and just sleeping like a little Angel. Even worse, this morning he didnt wake up crying for his mama, no he woke up and started playing, and did this through my whole shower, *I* had to go get him and tell him it was time to get up. Six months ago I would have found this wonderful, now that it is upon me....I want my snuggle buddy back! He's growing way too fast. *sniff sniff* You think I could train Zoey to bark at say...1 or 2 am and wake him up for me??

People would always say.."Don't let that baby sleep with you, You'll never get him in his own bed." or "Just let him cry it out, he'll learn that he needs to just go to sleep." Well I'm sorry, I LIKE my baby sleeping with me, and I'll never let him cry it out, he cries because he needs me. Even if its just for a hug or a cuddle, until he is able to verbally tell me what he wants and needs, crying is his means of communication. I'm his mama and he needs me.

Maybe its different for us since we went two months where we could do nothing for his cries. Where cuddling was a once a week experience for no more than 1 hour at a time. Where eating had to take place exactly at every three hours for no more than 30 minutes each time. But I am attached to my baby, he's a baby, he needs his mommy to snuggle him and help him feel safe. Parenting is about more than making sure they are clothed, fed, and have toys. *

I oftentimes question my parenting. Am I doing it right? But, then I receive affirmation that I must be doing something right. My baby is healthy. My baby is happy. My baby is the most gorgeous, awesome, smartest baby ever!** Not that all sick and/or unhappy (and/or ugly) babies are the result of bad parenting nor are all healthy, happy, and/or pretty babies the result of good parenting. But my baby has come a long long way, and maybe its prideful, but I AM proud of how far he's come, and how far we have been able to bring him. It hasnt come without sacrafice...we have loosened up a little since its nicer weather but we did things like stay home and keep him away from people. We sacraficed in our jobs so that he didnt have to go out. Our parents sacraficed and he gets to stay with grandparents and not daycare. I was tied to that stinking blankedy blank breast pump for THREE months (and still am to some extent but I've slacked off a little, can ya blame me?)so he could get only breastmilk. Seriously, I didnt go ANYWHERE without my little black bag. I pumped in the car (and flashed a few truckers) I pumped in back rooms, corners, on my couch while watching TV (sorry UPS guy). The came the drama of him coming home and still having to pump AND make bottles. But then one day he woke up and decided to nurse (Praise the LORD!) Of course, I failed a little there and we have to do a couple bottles of formula while I am at work, but he NEVER EVER gets a bottle at home and when I am not at work I do my absolute best to make sure I am with him so he can get the best from the breast.***

Maybe, I'm tooting my own horn a little. But, SO WHAT?! Its my blog, and I can blog about me if I want to. I'm proud of myself. I've come along way from the selfish little whiney think I was almost two years ago when we started this whole thing. The struggling to concieve, the short but perfect pregnancy, the early (unmedicated) delivery, the NICU stay, the having a fragile all has made me stronger, wiser, tougher, and much more appreciative.

Okay, so I got off on a tangent, but where I am going with this is that it pains me greatly when people say things like "I cant wait until he/she can hold their own bottle." "Why should I waste my time giving her/him a bottle when he can hold it himself." "I just let him/her cry until he/she goes to sleep." "Don't go to them too quickly or they'll become dependent on you." "I'm so glad to get rid of the little rugrat for a while." "Just stick him in his pen and he'll learn to play on his own."

WHY do comments like this bother me, because parenthood is a priviledge. So many many women would do anything to have the opportunity to be a mom. So many men have hearts that are just crying out to be daddies. I can guarantee that there are NICU mama's crying and wishing they were being kept up all night with a newborn. I can guarantee there are women who have been trying for years to get pregnant holding back tears as they listen to a co-worker gripe about their baby. I can guarantee there are men who are being told by their friends "be glad ya'll dont have kids yet" that are heartbroken because they have wives at home who feel like they have failed them.

Okay, so I got off on a wild tangent, forgive me. But, the point of it I guess, was to describe WHY I parent the way I do. Anyway, if you go through this whole post, good for you. If it made you mad, I'm sorry, maybe you shouldnt read my blog if it bothers you because this is how I feel and I am pretty passionate about it, so get over it.

*Disclaimer: Not making any judgements about anyone's parenting style so beofre you get hostile....

**Okay, maybe I am a wee bit biased

***Not saying formula is bad or evil or that formula feeing mom are bad moms. But the breast IS best, and especially for a preemie. that I have been all controversial, judgemental, and mean....lets all take a deep breath and look at the world's cutest baby...all together now...1...2...3...AAAAWWWWW!!!!

Monday, May 4, 2009

I just pour my ice tea into my boring white March of Dimes water bottle that we got at the walk the other day and guess turned purple! I was pretty excited! It made my day!! I mean seriously, how cool is that? Now I am going to drink all the tea and watch it turn back to white! Amazing!!! =)