Thursday, December 27, 2007


I realize that many of my posts are sad, depressing, even whiney. I am really not that negative of a person. I just think all my bloggy friends get the "bad side" of my life. When things are great, thats when I turn to hubby and "real life" people. When things are bad, I just blog, that way no one in real life has to "put up with it." I feel bad putting all this on my real life friends, so I keep most of the depressing whining things to my blog. It seems more anonymous that way. Plus, with a blog you have a choice to stop reading. In real life it kinda hard to stop listening. Then there is all the "helpful" comments people make. Don't always need advice, somedays I just need a hug.

Right now things are okay. I am tired. Tired of stressing. Tired of planning. Tired of all the details and speculation and disappointment that come with infertility issues. I am tired of even thinking about it all. I am tired of meds, labwork, and tests. Somedays, I even find myself tired of sex.

But right now things are good. The holidays were nice. I got lots of nice things. Ate lots of nice food. Spent lots of nice time with family. Including the new sister-in-law that we got for Christmas. Its nice having another girl in the family. I really hope we can be friends after we get to know each other.

The holidays also had their downside, there was being around all the kids. Being the only one without children. Getting harassed about that. I couldn't help but sit there and wonder if I'd have a baby of my own by next Christmas. I thought I'd be at least pregnant by this Christmas, but alas, I'm not. Next goal...our anniversary. Klay wanted to wait three years before got pregnant, so I guess he's going to get his wish. We'll have been married three years on March 19.

2008 is upon us. 2007 is over, thankfully, it was kind of a crappy year. I hope 2008 has better things in store.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

2007 in Review (Whiney Warning)

2007 is coming to an end soon. And reflecting back, its been a pretty bad year.

This is how I spent the first half of the year:

After the cast came of and I healed up, we started the journey of the second half of the year...I am still feeling the effects of the first half, though.

The second part of the year has been ever more rough than the first.

The year is ending and nothing went the way I had planned. I was going to be very close to having a baby by now. My own little bundle of joy. The longing of my heart for over 20 years. Everything was going to be perfect. Come spring we'd have a beautiful baby. Preferably a little boy. He'd have his daddy's blue eyes and unruly brown hair. We'd dress him in cammo just like his daddy. He'd be the world's smartest baby, he'd be programming computer's by the time he could walk. We'd be the perfect family, mama, daddy, baby, puppy, and the kitties. But we will not be having a baby in the spring. Nor will we be having a baby in the summer. Fall...still up in the air.

Its not supposed to be this hard. No one in my family has fertility problems. Most of my cousin's children were accidents. This is not how its supposed to be. I'm married. I waited until we'd been married for a while to try to have a baby. I did things "right." I'm getting invitations to the baby showers of the friends who started "trying" with me. I'm getting birth announcements from friends who said "we'd be pregnant together."

But instead, shopping for baby stuff and picking out names. I am having ultrasounds done that show cysts, not a baby. I'm getting blood drawn so often the lab techs know me on a first name basis and ask ME what test we need done because I have it memorized. I pop pills like an old lady, some of which make me sick, some of which make me a mad woman. I have to keep up with everyday of every cycle so I 'll know what day to take what pill, have what test, and when to "do it."

The good news is I finally "worked" for once, but it still didnt "work." So guess what, we get to do it all over again. I should be encouraged because we are on the right track, and maybe I will be later, but right now I need to let it out, I need to mourn the loss of a dream, before I can look to the future and to 2008.

Please dont tell me to relax and it will happen. Nor anything like that, I know everyone has the best intentions with those comments, but honestly, they dont help any.

I know I am just having a pity party, but its my party and I'll cry if I want to.