Thursday, December 13, 2007

2007 in Review (Whiney Warning)

2007 is coming to an end soon. And reflecting back, its been a pretty bad year.

This is how I spent the first half of the year:

After the cast came of and I healed up, we started the journey of the second half of the year...I am still feeling the effects of the first half, though.

The second part of the year has been ever more rough than the first.

The year is ending and nothing went the way I had planned. I was going to be very close to having a baby by now. My own little bundle of joy. The longing of my heart for over 20 years. Everything was going to be perfect. Come spring we'd have a beautiful baby. Preferably a little boy. He'd have his daddy's blue eyes and unruly brown hair. We'd dress him in cammo just like his daddy. He'd be the world's smartest baby, he'd be programming computer's by the time he could walk. We'd be the perfect family, mama, daddy, baby, puppy, and the kitties. But we will not be having a baby in the spring. Nor will we be having a baby in the summer. Fall...still up in the air.

Its not supposed to be this hard. No one in my family has fertility problems. Most of my cousin's children were accidents. This is not how its supposed to be. I'm married. I waited until we'd been married for a while to try to have a baby. I did things "right." I'm getting invitations to the baby showers of the friends who started "trying" with me. I'm getting birth announcements from friends who said "we'd be pregnant together."

But instead, shopping for baby stuff and picking out names. I am having ultrasounds done that show cysts, not a baby. I'm getting blood drawn so often the lab techs know me on a first name basis and ask ME what test we need done because I have it memorized. I pop pills like an old lady, some of which make me sick, some of which make me a mad woman. I have to keep up with everyday of every cycle so I 'll know what day to take what pill, have what test, and when to "do it."

The good news is I finally "worked" for once, but it still didnt "work." So guess what, we get to do it all over again. I should be encouraged because we are on the right track, and maybe I will be later, but right now I need to let it out, I need to mourn the loss of a dream, before I can look to the future and to 2008.

Please dont tell me to relax and it will happen. Nor anything like that, I know everyone has the best intentions with those comments, but honestly, they dont help any.

I know I am just having a pity party, but its my party and I'll cry if I want to.


Kim said...

(((Erin))) The only thing I'll say is that I'm sorry that this is your struggle and the burden you must bear. I truly wish it could be different for you.

feesh said...

Erin, that music video made me cry! I have an 8 week old son and I remember being terrified when I found out I was pregnant 1 month after getting married! Everything worked out and I believe it will all "work out" for you too.
Anyway, I wanted you to know I'm praying that your dream comes true for 2008 :)