Friday, July 1, 2011

Fear

I'm struggling with fear.  I thought I'd blog about it. 

I'm afraid...I'm afraid of something happening to this baby.  I'm afraid of this baby coming early. 
I'm afraid of failing as a mom of two. 

I know most of my fear is just a spiritual attack, I realize that.  I realize that I have the power to rebuke that attack, but it still doesnt mean I'm not afraid.

I have an overwhelming desire to get everything done for the baby by 28 weeks, because in my mind that's all the time I have left.  Maybe its a premonition.  Maybe its crazy.  Maybe its just because my subconscious doesn't know any better. 

Yes...I'm 21 weeks pregnant and I've set up the baby bed.  Sorted through bottles.  Washed all the small baby clothes.  Made a list of things to go in my hospital bag.  Packed a toiletries kit.  Finalized a name.  Put the baby bedding in the baby bed.  Set up the bassinet.  Yes, I'm that obsessive about it.  I've been called crazy....I guess I am.  I refer to it as paranoid and gun shy. 

In other news...21 weeks pregnant.  Baby is definitely his father's son as he is NOT a morning person and lays quietly asleep in my tummy until 1pm, when he starts doing karate chops.  Other than mama battling allergies and feeling kinda like poo, I'm doing well.  And other than it being 100+ degrees with good ole Southern humidity. 

Ticking right along with my weekly shots...Just passed week 6.  Shots are getting easier I think, they really aren't too painful, and a Toy Story bandaid for me and Isaac (who gets a pretend shot) makes it all ok. 

So if ya think about it...pray for my fear.  Pray for it to go away so I can enjoy this pregnancy and not start timing every little twinge for fear its a contraction that I havent yet realized. 

4 comments:

Jen said...

Thinking about you today, and how great you're going to feel when you pass 28 weeks--and each week after that. Enjoy your weekend, get some rest, and grow that strong boy!

Claire said...

Praying for you, sweetie.

Cxx

DebbieLynne said...

Yes, I'll pray. No, you're not crazy. Your experience with Isaac has taught you to prepare for any possibility. I think you're wise to heed that lesson. But I expect this baby to wait till his time. After all, he likes sleeping late! ;-)

sj3339sta said...

I think your beating yourself up too much over your fear. True, God tells us not to worry. As a parent and especially a mother, that is almost impossible. Especially considering your first trip down this road.

I think the wisest thing you can do is acknowledge that it is ok to have these fears and that they come from real life experience. Just look at Psalms. Your fears are valid. And every day past 28 weeks you get with this baby will just help kiss those fears goodbye.