Wednesday, August 27, 2008

This all pretty much sucks. I just want my baby to be home. I just want things to go "normally" for me for a change. Why does everything have to be so messed up for me? I really feel like a failure. First I couldnt concieve a baby easily. Then I couldnt even carry him to term...I've failed him. Its my fault that he is in the NICU, I failed him. Just like in everything else, I cant seem to do anything right.

I've ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy, nothing else really. Then everything goes wrong. I guess technically I am a mommy, but I dont feel that way very much. I dont feel any different than when I visit a friend with their baby. I ooh and ahh over how cute he is. I call and check in on him from time to time. I hold him with permission and supervision then put him back then I go home. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way.

When he comes home...will he know I am his mom? Or will he be sad because his nurses arent there?

Am I depressed?...probably. Today is not a good day for me.

BTW...Isaac is doing okay today. He had to get his nasal cannulas back. He keeps forgetting to breathe. He now weighs 3lb 5oz.

ETA...hope ya'll dont mind the whiney blogs. I just need to talk about some things but if I talk about them out loud I cry and I have been trying to keep anyone from seeing me cry.... I just smile and tell everyone I'm fine


Di said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! Believe me, from the outside looking in, I cannot believe the change in you. You have grown and matured soooo much. Right before our eyes. It has been an amazing thing to watch. You ARE a good mom. God is allowing this I think to grow you as a mom. When Isaac does come home, you're gonna rock it!!!!! I love you!!!

(and I don't mind whiney posts. Believe me, we all have our days of being whiney and I think with what you've been/are going through, you probably deserve alot more of those days than the rest of us.)

Nicole said...

Oh Erin (((((((((((hugs)))))))))

You are not a failure Erin. Like Diane said, you have grown and matured so much and all of us on the outside looking in can totally see that. I can understand how you can feel that way. Too much has happened all at once.

Isaac knows you are his mom. He knows Klay is his dad. He probably is very thankful that God sent such great nurses to take good care of him till he can be home with you guys. When he gets home he will know you and Klay and even get to know your pets! Just seeing how cuddly he is in pictures shows how much he knows and needs his mommy and daddy.

It has been 4 weeks with so many ups and down. Totally unexpected things have happened and it can feel like WAY too much for you guys. I am just glad you and Klay are blessed to have eachother and that Isaac has loving parents that are waiting for him to come home and until then they are doing whatever they can to make him feel content and safe.

Erin, I am here if you ever need a friend. I know you already know that, but I really mean it. I just want you to feel okay and know that you are doing so much better than most mom's do even when their baby is at home with them. I am constantly thinking about you and talking to Lorne about you and Isaac.

I pray Isaac can go home soon and that you and Klay can feel peace until he comes home.

((((((Erin)))))))) Love you so very much! You are an amazing friend and I want to help you out any way I can.

Jen said...

Erin, I know you have been through many ups and downs...but your NOT a Failure!! Your with him more then some other moms are with their didn't abort your baby, you didn't give him away because of his are there loving him and with him every chance you get... Erin your a good mother and soon Isaac will be with you and Klay. Erin Im sorry your having hard time but I am praying for you!! Klay and Isaac!!

Erin you have grown a lot in Gods grace, and I know you will continue too, Im wish I could give you a hug.. because Im not really good with words but please know my prayers are with yall.

btw I had some fried okra today and thought about you :)

Thursday's Child said...

You're not a failure and none of this is your fault. God gave you Isaac because you and Klay are the best match for that precious little boy. Our children aren't ours...they're on loan from God. He wouldn't have loaned you Isaac if he didn't know you were the best mom for him. {hugs}

Crystal said...


Julie said...

Erin, I breaks my heart to read this post. I hope that you're in a better place today though I know you'll have ups and downs. The road your are traveling is not the road that you planned for, adjustments are necessary and "culture shock" is to be expected. None of this is your fault and it will get better. Your little guy is in good hands, yours and God's.