This all pretty much sucks. I just want my baby to be home. I just want things to go "normally" for me for a change. Why does everything have to be so messed up for me? I really feel like a failure. First I couldnt concieve a baby easily. Then I couldnt even carry him to term...I've failed him. Its my fault that he is in the NICU, I failed him. Just like in everything else, I cant seem to do anything right.
I've ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy, nothing else really. Then everything goes wrong. I guess technically I am a mommy, but I dont feel that way very much. I dont feel any different than when I visit a friend with their baby. I ooh and ahh over how cute he is. I call and check in on him from time to time. I hold him with permission and supervision then put him back then I go home. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way.
When he comes home...will he know I am his mom? Or will he be sad because his nurses arent there?
Am I depressed?...probably. Today is not a good day for me.
BTW...Isaac is doing okay today. He had to get his nasal cannulas back. He keeps forgetting to breathe. He now weighs 3lb 5oz.
ETA...hope ya'll dont mind the whiney blogs. I just need to talk about some things but if I talk about them out loud I cry and I have been trying to keep anyone from seeing me cry.... I just smile and tell everyone I'm fine
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Posted by Erin at 10:30 AM