Monday, August 20, 2007

Hypocrite

I am a hypocrite. Every time someone tells me they are pregnant I tell them how happy I am for them and give the complimentary congratulations. Then I go home and cry myself to sleep. I AM happy for these people, however it makes me sad at the same time. Why not me? What have I done wrong? Why do girls get pregnant by "accident" curse the fact they are pregnant, say that they "hope they lose it" but for the life of me I cant get pregnant. I know God's plan is the right plan and everything works to his infinite wisdom, but honestly I cant see the purpose of this plan. I cant see the point in Godly Christian women who long for a baby being denied that blessing. Granted, I haven't tried as long as many women. And hopefully I will get pregnant eventually. I cant imagine the pain of women who have tried (are trying) for years. My heart goes out to them because 5 months is taking a toll on me.

Another related issue, there are something that I tire of hearing. So for the record please try to refrain from telling me these things (and probably refrain from telling any trying to get pregnant woman, or any woman you aren't sure if is trying or not)
* Enjoy your life without a baby, a baby changes everything. Do you think I am not aware of this? Do you think I haven't thought about the changes and are ready to undertake them?
* Relax, when you aren't trying that's when it will happen. Really? 'Cause all those years I didn't try I didn't get pregnant. Just because all the teen mothers and unplanned pregnancies come from lack of trying. Yeah, you are right. I'm just going to start using birth control since according to this statement that'll get me pregnant.
* Oh, when you get to thinking you want a baby, come hang around my kids, it'll change your mind. Umm...no it wont. Those are your kids. And if they are wild and misbehaved it is YOUR fault. Besides, there is a good chance that I may actually LIKE kids, therefore any amount of hanging around them only makes me want it more.
* Oh, you'll get pregnant eventually. Oh I am so glad you can see into the future and know in your infinite wisdom that I will be able to have children. I really appreciate it.
* So when are you gonna have kids? Well I was planning to be 5 months pregnant by now. Hopefully, 9 months from now. Or do you really want me to say, oh, I thought I'd try for three years first....

I could go on but thats a good list. Please think before you speak. I want to say that I in no way want any of my pregnant friends or my friends with babies to think that I am downing them. I am truly happy for your blessings. I just hope for my own one day. It just seems sometimes like no one understands this. Then I feel bad in ways for even posting this because I know some women that will read this have tried lots longer than I have at this point. This is my battle. If you think of it pray for us.....

2 comments:

Crystal said...

(((hugs))) It truly sucks. I really wish I could say it gets better, but... well... two years later, and I'm still bitter. I can't look at a pregnant person in the store without feeling sick. *sigh*

I am truly happy for my friends though.

Bridget said...

i dont know you but i just happend to find your blog and read it and i am also trying to get pregnant, I am young and so havent done any test to see if i am fertile but i stopped the bc in february and still havent gotten pregnant yet, I am also very annoyed by people who think saying relax and it will happen, they only say this because they got pregnant the instant they stopped taking bc!! so dont feel like you are being mean, it is the truth.