A Glimpse of Pink

2011-12-03T20:47:00.001-06:00

These are my afternoons these days. This mama, while I love(d) my job of 9+ years, I made the choice to stay home. My kids need me more right now. So far I couldn't be happier, maybe I can get back to blogging. All my many adoring fans (hah!) miss me I'm sure.

Photo Card

2011-11-23T16:05:00.001-06:00

Modern Christmas Christmas

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He's Home!

2011-10-21T13:05:00.001-05:00

After 77 days, he's home!:)

2011-10-13T19:11:00.001-05:00

One of the worst things about a long NICU stay...by week 11 people have stopped asking how the baby is. All the "help" people offer and give is exhausted. Everyone tells you "oh, he'll be home soon..." And the enthusiasm and stamina you might have had in the beginning is gone. People don't expect you to still cry because "he's doing so well." You've watched umpteen babies come and go from the NICU, yet you remain. You really start feeling alone...yet nothing changes. Then when baby finally comes home everyone shows up again wanting to steal the one thing you've craved...cuddling time. And when its your second NICU baby, the "new" wears off even sooner....

Tonight my heart is aching, my arms feel empty, yet my eyes full of tears...

I'm Not Supermom

2011-10-13T13:08:00.001-05:00

Please don't tell me how strong I am.
Please don't tell me to "hang in there."
Please don't tell me how everyday is closer to bringing him home.

Just let me cry. Just let me scream. Just let me miss my baby without feeling like I have to be a superhero. I'm not strong and perfect. I'm a very tired, very frustrated mama who misses her baby very much. A mama who has a baby who really doesn't feel like my own. A mama who leaves one baby for the other. A mama who in her head knows all the "facts" but a mama who in her heart feels like the world is falling apart and will never be whole again. A mama who's stamina is about gone and kinda feels alone...

Also a mama who nearly cries every time she talks to her due date buddies because there is a possibility they'll have babies home before she does, even though her baby is2 1/2 months old.

Waiting

2011-10-05T15:49:00.000-05:00

I WILL WORSHIP IN THE WAITING
I WILL WALK WITH THIS SAND BENEATH MY FEET
THOUGH THE WINTER WIND IS BLOWING
THE GROUND IS NOT FROZEN UNDERNEATH
I WILL WORSHIP AND NOT GROW BITTER
CAUSE I KNOW YOU SEE THE END OF IT ALL
AND WITH THE SPRING WILL COME THE RAIN
AND I'LL SEE WHAT WAS GAINED
IN THE WAITING

We are waiting...getting anxious...but soon...very soon we'll all be home together.

2011-08-23T10:24:00.000-05:00

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.....

August 20, 2011

I should be 28 weeks, 2 days pregnant...I've never been that pregnant and I have two children. God has some purpose in all this, as painful as it is.

Again.

2011-08-09T14:40:00.000-05:00

Well...my greatest fear this pregnancy happened again. I once again proved that my body is physically incapable of properly carrying a child...

On July 29th, Isaac's third birthday, I felt "funny" and went to L&D per my doctor's request. I was 4cm dilated. I was then transported to a bigger hospital where I was admitted for what we had hoped would be a long stay. On August 1st James decided he was staying in no longer and flipped breech and literally began kicking his way out at 5cm, landing his mama in an emergency c-section. At 11:22pm, 2lb 2oz baby James was born at 25 weeks 4 days...I can't believe we are doing this again...

The worst thing is having to have the birth of your children being met with pity rather than celebration... Leaving one child behind somewhere so that you can be with the other. Having a baby that is over a week old that you've only TOUCHED twice, much less held. I won't lie, this sucks. I may appear strong but thats the only way I know how to deal with it. Crying doesn't do anything but get you "those" looks. I'm ready to wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant....

2011-07-28T14:12:00.000-05:00

Three years ago today I sat at work finding the backache I was having odd. Little did I know how my life was about to be turned upside down...

Conversations with Isaac...

2011-07-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

I love conversations with almost three year olds. Last night's went like this:

Klay was checking the weather radar to see if perchance we might get some rain. He says: "You can see that low pressure spinning out there, maybe we'll get some." Isaac stops playing and says "da 'now (snow)coming? Pway in da 'now!!" I tell him, "no, no snow right now, Daddy said 'low' not snow. Did you like to play in the snow? Do you wish it'd snow again?" Isaac responded, "Put on da coat and pway in da 'now!" Klay says, "Its too hot right now, maybe in a few months it'll snow again." Isaac said, "Too hot, gotta cool opf (off)." I thought I'd use this time to talk about baby coming in the fall.."Isaac, when it cools off, baby James will be here too." Isaac studied me, rubbed my belly, looked in my mouth "Bayay Games in mama bwelly...mama eat bayay wike a watermelon." (at this point I'd like to know who told him my belly looked like a watermelon?!!) "Yes, son, baby James is in mama's belly." "Igak wuv bayay Games" "You love your baby brother James huh? Well he'll come out before too much longer." Isaac's eyes grow big as he thinks, "Sweep in Igake woom? (sleep in Isaac's room) *hugs himself* Hugga da Igak!!??" "Yup, he'll sleep in your room and can hug you. But it'll be a while, after the summer is over and its not so hot." Thoughtfulness....."Igake and bayay Games pway in da 'now!" And off he goes to play trucks.... I think he's starting to get it.

Less Fear

2011-07-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

So since I blogged about my fear, and my wonderful friends said they were praying for me, thought I'd update that I am doing better.

I'm getting less fearful...even if baby comes early...I KNOW that, I know what to do and how to handle it. And if baby comes term...well thats gotta be easier than a preemie!

Had a check up yesterday, things look perfect so far. Blood pressure staying good. Fighting myself to keep hydrated in this blistering heat...thats a battle but I think I"m winning. Feeling baby move a lot lately, even some bumps that make me go "umpfh". My tummy feels like its rolling all afternoon long. I like it.

Felt something weird while driving the other day and realized my belly was rubbing the steering wheel...hmm..I'm only 22 weeks, 5'2" and rubbing the steering wheel....the next 20ish weeks could get interesting.

Fear

2011-07-01T13:43:00.000-05:00

I'm struggling with fear. I thought I'd blog about it.

I'm afraid...I'm afraid of something happening to this baby. I'm afraid of this baby coming early.
I'm afraid of failing as a mom of two.

I know most of my fear is just a spiritual attack, I realize that. I realize that I have the power to rebuke that attack, but it still doesnt mean I'm not afraid.

I have an overwhelming desire to get everything done for the baby by 28 weeks, because in my mind that's all the time I have left. Maybe its a premonition. Maybe its crazy. Maybe its just because my subconscious doesn't know any better.

Yes...I'm 21 weeks pregnant and I've set up the baby bed. Sorted through bottles. Washed all the small baby clothes. Made a list of things to go in my hospital bag. Packed a toiletries kit. Finalized a name. Put the baby bedding in the baby bed. Set up the bassinet. Yes, I'm that obsessive about it. I've been called crazy....I guess I am. I refer to it as paranoid and gun shy.

In other news...21 weeks pregnant. Baby is definitely his father's son as he is NOT a morning person and lays quietly asleep in my tummy until 1pm, when he starts doing karate chops. Other than mama battling allergies and feeling kinda like poo, I'm doing well. And other than it being 100+ degrees with good ole Southern humidity.

Ticking right along with my weekly shots...Just passed week 6. Shots are getting easier I think, they really aren't too painful, and a Toy Story bandaid for me and Isaac (who gets a pretend shot) makes it all ok.

So if ya think about it...pray for my fear. Pray for it to go away so I can enjoy this pregnancy and not start timing every little twinge for fear its a contraction that I havent yet realized.

Summertime

2011-06-28T13:46:00.000-05:00

Nothing says summertime like lounging at the pool.

Can't you almost hear the squeals of laughter??

Water slides rock too...

But always put safety first and wear your life vest.

Nothing like a good long nap after pool time..

Boy OH Boy

2011-06-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

So...I guess I left ya hanging with the big gender reveal...week has been hectic. Tuesday we had the "big ultrasound", then doctor appt for little man on Wednesday, followed up by surgery Friday.

In a recap...if the tittle didnt give it away...we are having another boy!! I'm pretty excited, I DID want two boys, and since we have boy stuff its more practical, but on some level I am kinda mourning the fact of not getting to sew girly stuff and the fact I may not ever have a girl (its possibly this is our last baby). But I an NOT disappointed, if that makes any sense at all! lol Baby James looked great, weighs about 10oz, and so far appears on target to not make his arrival until at LEAST October...I want my fall baby! NOT a summer baby, and NOT a NICU baby! (Though I love the one I have dearly, I just want to do things normal for once!)

Isaac had surgery yesterday (Friday) he did awesome and is climbing on furniture playing like normal today. Except for getting totally spoiled with all the attention and thinks he needs a new toy every 15 minutes. :-)

2011-06-09T16:45:00.000-05:00

When life throws you lemons you made lemonade right? What if I just want to chunk them back at life? If its not one thing its another but we'll survive.

Keep us in your prayers, little man is going to have to have a minor surgery...its really not a big deal but it IS a big deal when its your three year old, and you are pregnant. Just the idea of "getting a consult at Children's Hospital" is enough to make your heart drop to your stomach. He's cool about it, enjoying the attention and new toys. Mama is freaking out...I can blame hormones right?

Baby is doing awesome. Shot #3 this week. Yay for shots. They arent that bad but I'm overly dramatic. We find out Tuesday gender of baby, I'm pretty excited about that. Gives me something exciting to look forward to next week as opposed to dreading the "surgical consult".

We recently had family pictures taken. We are an awesome family. We kinda rock. OUr pics are pretty awesome. (Little girl is our niece)

Soapbox Again

2011-05-05T13:19:00.000-05:00

Finally got some replies from Congressman and Senator on KV Pharmaceuticals/Makena. (Unaware? Read Here and Here). I was very disappointed. I knew I'd get nothing more than a form letter, but I guess I at least expected a well put together form letter. Here is the first from my Congressman Womack...well I guess he wont be mine for much longer since we got a lovely redistricting...solves the problem of not voting for him huh?

It said......

Dear Erin,

Thank you for contacting me regarding the pharmaceutical Makena. It is good to hear from you.

On February 4, 2011, the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the KV Pharmaceutical drug, Makena, to help prevent premature birth in women who have previously had a preterm delivery. This is the first such drug approved by the FDA. Makena was approved under FDA's accelerated approval process, which allows promising drugs to be approved for use based on the ability to show a benefit on a 'surrogate endpoint' that is likely to predict an actual clinical benefit

According to the March of Dimes, one in every eight babies born in the United States does not complete gestation. Babies born prematurely tend to have greater complications and higher health costs over the span of their lives. Makena could save lives and help to produce healthier babies that become healthier adults.

Prior to its FDA approval, 17-Hydroxyprogesterone, the chemical name for Makena, was combined by a compounding pharmacist and provided to patients for around $10 per treatment. I do not believe the government should be fixing prices for products sold by private industry. I am encouraged by KV Pharmaceutical's recent announcement lowering the price from $1,500 to $690 per injection and the assistance they plan to provide to certain patient groups. I am hopeful KV Pharmaceuticals will continue to reevaluate the pricing to ensure this lifesaving product is accessible for all mothers.

Thank you again for contacting me regarding your concerns with drug pricing. Please continue to keep me informed of the issues that are important to you and be sure to visit my website, www.womack.house.gov, for more information and to sign up for my newsletter.

                                                                       Sincerely,
                                                                       Congressman Signature
                                                                       Congressman Steve Womack
                                                                       Member of Congress

*****
1) Oh my goodness...I had no idea what Makena was, thats why I wrote you!
2) Really...I had no idea (being a mom of a child born at 28 weeks)what a preemie was and what that meant!
3) Your stats are wrong...1 in 8 babies are born prior to 37 weeks..."complete gestation" is 40 weeks..or 42...due dates are just estimations.
4)So glad for the cost decrease...I mean $690/per week for like 19 weeks (what I will be doing) is SO doable.
5) Love how it was signed "Congressman Signature" Awesome...
6) No...I'd rather NO get your BS newsletter.

Second letter. I've always likes John Boozman. He seemed like a good guy. But unfortunately I think his current office has gone to his head. Now, his letter wasnt as bad. But still not quiet what I expected and its making me seriously rethink my vote...

It said...
Dear Mrs. Rxxxxx,

Thank you for contacting me to express your concerns regarding the recent pricing change for the drug 17-hydroprogesterone caproate. It is good to hear from you.

As you may know, 17-hydroprogesterone caproate has been sold as a compound put together by pharmacists under the name "17P." KV Pharmaceuticals recently submitted information to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) requesting approval for the sale of 17P under the brand name "Makena." After receiving approval, KV Pharmaceuticals sent cease-and-desist letters to pharmacists to stop compounding 17P. Finally, on March 7, 2011, KV Pharmaceuticals announced that Makena would be sold at $1,500 per dose, much higher than the $10 or $15 per dose pharmacists charged for 17P.

I understand your concerns and your desire to see the FDA uphold compounding pharmacists' rights to continue compounding 17P. However, you should know that the FDA is responsible for protecting the public health by assuring the safety, effectiveness, and security of drugs. The agency can neither regulate drug prices nor enforce a business's rights to continue producing or selling a product.

That being said, Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH) and Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) did sent a letter to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) calling for an investigation into KV Pharmaceutical's actions. Senator Brown also sent a letter directly to KV Pharmaceuticals asking them to reconsider the pricing for Makena. Please be assured, I share your concerns regarding KV Pharmaceutical's activities and I will monitor the FTC's investigation into the matter.

Again, thank you for contacting me on this very important issue. Please be sure to visit our website at www.boozman.senate.gov. I look forward to your continued correspondence.

Sincerely,
John Boozman
U.S. Senator
***

1) Yes I KNOW that 17P had been available for less through compounding pharmacies...what is with telling me everything I just told you? Do you find your constituents THAT stupid?
2)Protecting me? From what? Compounding pharmacies have been putting this drug together for years, I think like 50 years, there have been NO quality issues. These are NOT back alley crap holes, they are licensed pharmacies and pharmacists. The new Makena has perservatives...has that been tested? Is that safe?
3) How does making a neccessary drug unattainable for those who need it, risking lives and health of babies help or "protect" us?
4) I dont like the idea that the govts job is to "protect us". Protect us? Or yank freedoms?
5) I know that the FDA doesn't influence pricing but my concern is (if you read the email I sent) is that the FDA took this drug, handed it over to KV Pharma, a bankrupt unethical company. Good move.

Also love how all these responses came in AFTER the price had been dropped. AFTER the society of OB/GYNS boycotted KV Pharma. AFTER the March of Dimes pulled their partnership. AFTER the FDA issued a statement that compounding pharmacies can continue to make the drug. Pretty much after the publicity died down, and after there was a resolution (for the most part) THEN and ONLY then do they reply telling me how they care, and are helping, yada yada yada BS BS BS.

Unhappy..unhappy...unhappy.

10 Weeks

2011-04-14T11:22:00.000-05:00

Had a fabulous doc appt today.

Couldn't find heartbeat. Oddly enough this didn't worry me because there was something going on in there and she'd find it then lose it. So I got an ultrasound, no complaints here. Baby is a wild child already, arms and legs going everywhere.

Found out that doc is one of the fabulous ones that thinks the new FDA approved Makena is dumb, hooray! So in 6 weeks I'll start compounded progesterone injections. Not awesome but hey, I'll take a weekly shot for 10 weeks if it keeps my kid from getting blood drawn every three hours for two months.

And here is our lovely babe...

To Infinity and Beyond

2011-04-13T14:52:00.002-05:00

He's gonna be great...

2011-04-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

Isaac is going to be an awesome big brother. He talks about the "Bay-yay" a lot now. Last night he read the baby a book...it was about tractors, he pulled my shirt up and held the book up so s/he could see the pictures. Then at bedtime he kissed the "Bay-yay" "ni night". This morning he pulled my shirt up and said "Hell-yo, Bay-yay." Kissed my belly and put my shirt down. Awesomeness....I am blessed beyond measure and my cup runneth over.

And for your viewing pleasure...apparently the best seat in the house is in between the two recliners..

Preemie Power!

2011-04-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

Today is a great day for preemies. I am wearing a huge smile.

Hopefully you recall my former post about KV Pharmaceuticals, if not it can be found HERE.

This week some wonderful news has been released. Let me be careful to not get ahead of myself in my excitement, as I tend to think faster than I can type!

First off. March 30th, the FDA issued a STATEMENT. In a nutshell it says they will not force compounding pharmacies to stop producing progesterone injections. Which is a small victory, sure it gives us access to the drug, but its slightly disturbing that their "answer" is we just wont do our job.

Secondly today KV Pharmaceuticals decided to "fix" things. They issued a STATEMENT on their price drop. $1,500 to $690. Better, but still not good enough. Great they lowered the price but it is still ridiculous since the research and development of this drug and the safety testing was paid for my taxpayers and non-profits. Of course maybe they were responding to the fact their stock has been plummeting in the past month....at this rate they'll be bankrupt (again).

Third great news of the day....March of Dimes issued a STATEMENT that they were cutting their ties with Ther-Rx/KV Pharmaceuticals. This is my favorite part. My faith has been renewed. I LOVE March of Dimes but was having a tough time continuing my support of them if they didn't do something quick regarding this. They have done something, and something BIG!

If you want to thank the March of Dimes for this, I'd love to see them see an impact with donations rolling in right after this statement was released. You can do this AND support our family as we continue our support, for the third year, as we walk int he March for Babies. You can donate to our team HERE

In a side note...received a letter back from one of my Senators today, Mark Pryor. Convenient timing don't you think? In his letter he stated the "confusion" on the availability of the drug and cited the FDA statement (linked incorrectly to where the link wouldn't load) about not preventing it. Sorry, you were a little late to the game, I emailed him WEEKS ago. Funny how he waits until it is on its way to being resolved to say ANYTHING. Of course he is "keeping an eye on this" and "considering my concerns." I am less than impressed. Also, less than impressed that John Boozeman, who I supported and have met multiple times, has not emailed me back in response to my two emails. Of course he has sent out mass emails asking for campaign support. NOT thrilled there either.

Today is a great day for preemies, I am proud to me the mommy to a preemie. Its a tough hard job, and NO ONE can understand what it entails. And I am furious that big corporations and our government have so little interest in the lives of those who are so special to me. This isnt over yet, but the battle is swinging in our favor. Don't mess with preemie mamas...we've survived hell already...we are the toughest of tough.

Introducing....

2011-03-31T09:56:00.000-05:00

Heard that fabulous heartbeat (measuring 173bpm) this morning. Awesomness!! Measuring exactly 8 weeks putting us due 11/10/11...I was really holding out for that 11/11/11....oh well! :-D

2011-03-28T13:23:00.000-05:00

I should blog, I bet y'all miss me. But I'm tired. And feel gross, and unmotivated. But that's ok, those are good things right now.

I should have pictures of Baby R V1.2 on Thursday. Of course he or she (I really think he) will just look like a gummy bear, but that's
cool.

So to entertain you in the interim, here is a pic of my first gummy bear, Isaac...taken last weekend when it was all summery outside, b/c even though its nice and chilly now it will remind you of what's coming! And for the record, that is chocolate ice cream on his face....and yes, I do bathe him occassionally.

Soapbox

2011-03-18T15:25:00.000-05:00

So..if any of you are on my facebook you are aware of my recent soapbox I'm on.

Here it is in a nutshell...expectant mothers who are high risk, usually who have experienced a loss or pre-term birth are typically prescribed a weekly injection of progesterone. This drug has been used and compounded at pharmacies for YEARS, usually costing mother around $11. Recently a company "claimed" the drug and submitted to the FDA to have sole rights for production. It was granted. Overnight cease and desist letters were sent to all compounding pharmacies and they were threatened with fines. The kicker...the cost went up...to $1500 dollars per shot. No folks, not a typo...and these are WEEKLY shots.

There are a couple Senators who are calling for an FTC investigation into this. I want to urge everyone to contact their Senator requesting that they join in this call for a federal investigation.

Here is a link on how to find your Senator.
http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

If it helps here is a sample letter than you can work with.
*****
I am writing you today to respectfully request that you join with Senator Brown of Ohio in calling for an FTC investigation into the price gouging by KV Pharmaceuticals on their drug Makena.
Prior to this FDA approval of the drug, progesterone injections were available from compounding pharmacies for roughly $11 per injection, now the cost has skyrocketed to $1500 per injection. Even with the assistance program many women will fall through the cracks and many babies will needlessly suffer by being born too soon. This doesn't just effect expectant mothers, it will also result in an increase in insurance costs are companies are forced to pay this outrageous price.
(and if you have a personal story, I urge you to share it).

Thrilled to Announce....

2011-03-14T09:26:00.002-05:00

2011-03-09T16:56:00.000-06:00

Flowers are budding.

New life is beginning.

Winter is over.

Looking Ahead

2011-03-08T15:06:00.002-06:00

Winter is almost over.
Spring is coming.

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

Friends

2011-03-07T13:41:00.000-06:00

God works in amazing ways. Its really cool when you see His plan unfold.

Recently I made a new friend. Someone I had known for a while but for some reason we started growing closer, which was rather spontaneous. We started finding similarities that we never knew. Funniest thing was when I first "met" this friend, I really didn't care for her much, lol.

Then suddenly something tragic happened to her. And she needed a friend to lean on for support. And that friend became me. I was honored to be chosen as her friend, but felt really outta place, I mean we hadn't known each other long.

But its interesting to see, how God knew all along she would need someone. She would need me. Not that I am anything special, no way, I feel rather inadequate as her "support". But, God started this long before we either one knew WHY she would need me.

I am also going through a struggle, a different struggle from her, but know what? I need HER. It wonderful to be able to chat with her, to vent, to complain, to cry, to be hopeful.

Please pray for my friend and for me.

2011-02-17T13:21:00.000-06:00

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act. Psalm 37:7

Be still and know that I am God..Psalm 46:10

Both these verses came outta no where and slapped me in the face today.

I dont like being still, waiting, or being patient. But I do like God so I guess I know what I'm 'sposed to do huh?

Spring

2011-02-16T13:11:00.000-06:00

Hopefully the snow is gone, loved the days home with family but ready for Spring. The freshness of Spring, new life, new beginnings. I'm tired of Winter, in a literal and figurative sense. I'm tired of feeling dead. I want to feel alive and rejuvenated.

I'm excited for Spring. It brings good things. Friends having babies. Easter. Our Anniversary(6 years). March for Babies (see my side bar if you'd like to donate!). And maybe even wonderful things we don't know about yet.

BRING ON SPRING!

On yeah...no spend thingy...we spent..but not bad. I've been cleaning and organizing and needed stuff to finish projects...picture frames, totes. Klay needed some garden tools.

No Spend Month

2011-02-02T09:48:00.000-06:00

Per my friend Jen's inspiration, I'm going to attempt a "no spend" month. However, I am not sure how successful we'll be as we keep looking for/making exceptions.

Obvious exceptions:

Groceries. You gotta eat. Plan to try to keep them at a minimum, not that I don't already.
Gas. Gotta get to work.
Bills. Gotta pay those.
Animal food.
Prescriptions.
Gifts for stuff like showers, birthdays, etc. Dont have any on the horizon and we aren't big V-Day people so...
Lunches...packing lunches is ideal...doesnt always happen. Try our best.

Other possible exceptions:

Super awesome deals that you can NOT pass up.
Garden tools. Klay is needing certain tools to get our garden going, so "stuff from co-op" will not count.

Things I'm wanting to get already but am fighting the urge.

More yarn. I'm mid scarf for Isaac (planning ahead for Christmas) and I"m bored. I have yarn for a market bag but I've tried it and keep getting confused. I should just work on my current projects.
Isaac' valentines. Does he have people to give them to? No. Will he even KNOW? No. So why? Because I think they are cute. Ugh!

Okay, so those lists aren't too bad. February is a short month, we've already been snowed in one day of it already. (OK, so it was only 40 degrees and raining but we had a THREAT of snow...and it started sleeting, and was getting colder...it did get cold...after the rain...don't judge!)

I'll try to "check in" on our progress as we go.

Mommy to a Miracle - An Essay

2011-01-24T10:09:00.000-06:00

I recently wrote an essay for a contest. Nothing major, not great monetary prize or anything, but I wanted to share our story. The category was Women's Issues, subcategory was Family.
Enjoy. (Please note, this is an original work...I don't mind sharing, but don't steal!)
*****

Mommy to a Miracle

Every little girl has a dream. Some little girls want to be teachers, some doctors, some ballerinas. I was not different. I had the dream of my perfect life when I grew up. I wanted to be a mommy, and being the traditionalist I always was, that meant being a wife too.

From day one, I was ready to start a family. But we knew it was in our best interest to wait. So we did. Finally when we had been married a little over 2 years we decided to go for it! However, God had other plans.

In April we stopped birth control and waited a couple of months before we really started trying to conceive. A couple of months passed, we did our part, and excitedly my period was late! However, the pregnancy tests came back negative. We went to our general practitioner and he said it was probably just my body adjusting and to give it some time and wait. Two months went by and still no period. Our general practitioner then referred us to an Obstetrician/Gynecologist. She assured me that we would get me pregnant soon. She was an awesome lady, who I learned was struggling with infertility herself.

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). After four unsuccessful months of taking Metformin (a diabetes drug that helps treat PCOS) and Clomid (a fertility medication). Following some other tests, we decided to continue the Metformin but to forego the Clomid and take a break. I was ready to give up, I was done. I was depressed, exhausted, and resigning myself to the fact I would never fulfill my dream and be someone's mommy.

But once again, God had other plans. My period was late. Here we go again, I thought. However, two lines showed up on that test that morning. And two lines that afternoon. And the next morning. And at the doctors office the next afternoon. Needless to say it took a little convincing for me to believe it. I was indeed pregnant.

My pregnancy was like a dream. Not one stitch of morning sickness. Very few symptoms at all. I worked on his nursery, made all his crib bedding and accessories myself. I hand quilted a quilt I'd made just for him. I was living my dream. Everything was perfect. Then one Saturday, shortly before my 28 week mark, I had a feeling. A feeling my son would be tiny and a bit early. This feeling was so nagging I went into his room and pulled out the tiniest sleeper we had been given in our hand-me-downs, a preemie size, and laid it on his bed.

That Monday morning I woke up with a backache. I was assured by my friends and family that during pregnancy your back would hurt and to drink some water and rest. That night we had the first installment in our childbirth class. The instructor mentioned that if any pain is timeable and regular to get checked out. Following class I asked her about my back ache. She again, like everyone else, told me to go home, drink some water, and put my feet up. I did as instructed, but the pain did not let up, in fact it got worse. I felt nauseated and ill. I couldn't sleep. Around midnight, I couldn't take it any more, we packed up and headed to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital. Everyone initially was very calm. I anticipated getting some kind of shot to stop the pain and then we'd go home. I had no idea my life was about to change forever. The nurse came in and checked me and quickly hurried out of the room. Within moments the entire staff in Labor and Delivery were in my room. I was finally able to get a word in edgewise and ask what was going on. The informed me I was having a baby tonight and was fully dilated. I was 28 weeks pregnant. I asked if my baby was going to be ok, and I was told “We'll do the best we can.” Not what any mother wants to hear. My doctor arrived shortly thereafter on her cell phone trying to get a helicopter to take him to Arkansas Children's Hospital. None was available. She then called all the other hospitals with a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) in search of a helicopter, again, none were available. She then resumed the same calls asking for an ambulance, finally Baptist Medical Center in Little Rock said they had an ambulance and got a transport team in route.

During this time, I was told I was not allowed any pain medication since it would run the risk of slowing baby's heart rate. I was fine with that, I had desired a natural birth anyway. However, what I did not anticipate was being told that I couldn't deliver until the transport team arrived. Since we were at a small rural hospital, they were not equipped for such tiny babies. That moment, in my mind, is when I became a mother. I became determined to do, what they whispered amongst themselves, was impossible for me to do. Why? Because it was what my son needed in order to survive. So I prayed with all my might and made it through. Three hours later, I was nearing my limit when we were informed the transport team had arrived. Waiting for them to walk down the hall was the most excruciating wait of my life. Then I was finally given the go ahead. Five minutes later my son was born. This was not how I had envisioned his birth. I'd heard stories of the first moment of you saw your child and him being placed on your chest. I was not granted that pleasure. Instead my son was immediately rushed out of the room.

So there I sat, finally a mommy. However, I had still not seen my child. Roughly an hour later he was wheeled in. He was hooked up to countless monitors and tubes, laying quietly in the transport isolette. I was allowed to reach in and touch his hand briefly. I was then given instructions about what to expect and how they would call me when he was stabilized at the NICU. Then my long awaited son, my 2lb 14 oz miracle, my little Isaac, was gone. I sat alone, in labor and delivery, while my child was 100 miles away fighting for his life. I could hear the hustle and bustle in the halls of mommies and babies having visitors. The oohing and ahhing. No one visits a mommy without a baby. I was finally released shortly after lunch. I was wheeled through the hall, not with my child in my lap while I proudly beamed, but alone and somber and clutching my cell phone in case I got a call.

We finally made it to Little Rock to see our son. Again there he lay, helpless and tiny and all alone. After our brief visit we left our child and went home, the next day we returned and spent the following week in a hotel in Little Rock, just in case we were needed quickly.

On the way home that first night we stopped and purchased a breast pump. I had always envisioned nursing my child at the breast. I never imagined beginning this journey with an electric pump sitting in a hotel room one hundred miles from home.

While most new parents are learning about their baby's coos, smiles, and personalities. We were learning terms such as Intraventicular Hemorrhage, Retinopathy of Prematurity, Patent Ductus Arteriosis, Bradycardia, Apnea, Hemocrit, Picc Line, Pulse Ox, etc. While most new parents are waking up to a crying baby, I was waking up to an alarm and a breast pump and making a late night phone call to the NICU to check on my son.

Two weeks into his stay, we were informed he needed minor heart surgery. The night before the surgery, I was granted the opportunity to finally hold my son. It was, and still is, one of the best moments in my entire life. Finally, things felt right. I sat there in the rocking chair, my teeny tiny personal miracle asleep on my chest. The world around me stopped. Life was fantastic for a brief moment.

On October 1, sixty-three days after my life changed, we were greeted by the doctor, “Are ya'll ready to go home today?” I couldn't believe I was hearing those words. Home. All three of us. “Yes, please!” Following lunch that day, we walked out of the NICU for the last time. I held my breath for fear it was a dream or a mistake. That the doctor would come out and say he couldn't leave yet. Finally I was the one walking through the lobby and out the door with a baby. As we loaded him in the car, I was still holding my breath. Was it real? Was he coming home to stay?

It was true, our son was home. Though our journey wasn't over yet. We still had things to deal with that most parents don't. A heart monitor, medications, nursing issues, occupational therapy. But we held our heads high and with prayer and God's grace, made it through. Our hard work paid off. Two months later we were allowed to return the monitor and finally, for the first time had a cordless baby. Medications were ceased. He finally got the strength to nurse, and I was finally able to sit and rock with my baby at my breast, like things should be. At his first birthday, we was released from all therapy and declared normal.

Today our tiny miracle is two years old. He is a rambunctious totally normal toddler boy. The only indication of his prematurity are the scars on his hands and feet from every needle prick and IV. And just like those scars on his hands, I bear scars on my heart.

Today, as I write this, we are just one day away from the two year anniversary of our homecoming. In some ways it feels like yesterday, in others it feels like it was a lifetime ago. It has made me a different person. A stronger person. A better person. I am eternally grateful that I was chosen to be a mommy to a miracle.

Baby Sleep

2011-01-18T10:47:00.000-06:00

Ok...I'm going to blog some today on baby sleep. Let me start out by saying I mean this in no way to be offensive to any mom who has used CIO, Controlled Crying, Sleep Training, etc. I'm just trying to offer our view and what worked for us.

The reason, yes, I am against those methods (doesnt mean I am not dear friends with those who chose them, its an agree to disagree kinda thing and I personally refrain from discussions regarding it to spare our friendship and hurt feelings, they know my views, I know theirs).

Secondly, I get endlessly tired of new moms posting about having trouble getting their baby to sleep (we are talking newborns) and being told stuff like "Oh you HAVE to let them cry" "Just shut the door and go put on headphones" "Its really hard but its worth it, you dont want them spoiled" "Don't EVER let them sleep in your bed, they'll never leave." "You don't want to always have to rock them to sleep" and anytime anyone mentions something like co-sleeping, rocking/nursing to sleep, and the like, they are aghast at how ruined and spoiled my child will be and how I've "really messed up" and will "regret that later."

Well guess what? It's later and no regrets. Here is how our sleep situation has progressed.

First sleep situation...sedation. [sarcasm] Really the best method if you want your newborn to sleep all night and not interrupt you. A little bit of a pricey option...you are looking at a few thousand a day for the NICU stay, but look what you are getting...24/7 child care, etc. But for mom and dad, totally stress free, lots of sleep at night. [/sarcasm]

But eventually the NICU will send you home. Then you'll have to figure it out for yourself. They train baby to sleep on tummy then tell you that sleeping on tummy is bad...gee thanks for that. At that point what we did was we had him in a bassinet beside the bed. We had no qualms with the idea of co-sleeping in our bed but he was on a monitor and was very small so we were a bit nervous. So he was in the bassinet until he was about 6 months old. When we woke up and he had his legs slung over the bottom.

Then I said, "Yay, he's all grown up and can move to his bed". Then nighttime came. I didnt WANT him to leave. The next room was way too far away. And we were still nursing and well..I didnt want to walk that far in the middle of the night. Oh and it was cold..yeah...he might get cold. He needed to stay in OUR bed. So...thats what he did!

This continued for about a year. We tried his baby bed a time or two. He was never a fan. We'd put him in there asleep and when he woke up to nurse or whatnot I just brought and kept in him our bed. Worked quiet well, I could go back to sleep while he was eating. We all got more sleep and no one was stressed out. (I do believe that crying it out unnecessarily stressed babies..I just do.)

At around 18 months we decided that since Isaac obviously hated the baby bed we'd try a toddler bed. At least then he could get up and come to our room on his own, saving us from having to go get him. (Wow, we sound like such lazy parents). That worked a little better, still not great. Of course we felt the mattress was uncomfy so no wonder, we have a pillow top!

But we kept working with the toddler bed. We'd rock to sleep and lay him in it. Then around 2 I decided he needed to go to sleep in his bed. I tried laying with him..took an HOUR out of my night. Then I tried being tough...that lasted maybe one night. Just didn't work. He just wasn't ready. And again, he still didn't like the bed much. So this year for Christmas he got a twin bed. A "big boy" bed. With a real (nice) mattress. And sheets with choo choos and trucks. And comfy room for mom and dad to lay with! We did our standard lay with him some, but he was just getting more wound up, laying with him was defeating the purpose. Then one night I said, "Go to bed". And guess what...he did. Then it happened again. I finally found a bedtime that suited his needs (9:30). At that time he willingly goes to bed, gives everyone kisses, grabs his stuffed dog and climbs in bed. Oh sure, he'll poke his head out a few times, to which I tell him to go back to bed and he does. He asks for a cup. Sometimes he'll cry a bit, just a tantrum, but I tell him to go and make him go back. He'll call out for me in a singsongy whiney voice, to which I'll respond "go to sleep Isaac". Then I'll hear talking, singing, muttering....then all will grow quiet. I'll tip toe back and what do I see?

I think I am ready to call this a success. Its been several weeks now and he is in his bed all night much more than he is in our bed. Sure some nights he'll join us, but an occasion is okay, it was the every night expectation that needed to cease. But I truly feel it is because I let him be a baby when he was one. I let him grow up when he was ready. I followed his cues.

I say all this not to put down one method over another. But to point out, that letting a baby be a baby, rocking, coddling, co-sleeping, does not "ruin" or "spoil" a child. Nor make them poorly adjusted. Or create a child that has no independence. (all things I have been told.) It IS possible for your child to one day sleep on their own without massive tear shed.

Monday Musings

2011-01-17T13:25:00.000-06:00

Had a productive weekend, though to look at my house you'd never know!

Saturday I went to DAR then hit up Hobby Lobby and came home to work on the house so I could sew on Sunday. I did a TON of laundry, seriously, I'd say roughly 10 loads. All folded and put away, except for the sock basket...I hate socks.

Oh, ate out Saturday, didnt break the diet! GO me! At at Long John Silvers, got one of their grilled fish thingies, skipped the rice! As of Saturday night I'm down 3.5lbs...oh and I made hubby and Isaac cookies and did not partake...wow! 3 more days and I can add back whole grains.

Sunday following church I got to work. Let Isaac run wild...hence the reason my house looks as it does...lincoln logs, trio blocks, train sets, flash cards...all over the living room....:-S Got one sewing project finished. One half way finished, waiting on embroidery to get done on it (I commission that out!). And will start the other project tonight. I feel pretty productive.

I have some other musings to ramble about but I have work to do...day is slipping away much too quickly.

Friday...Weekend Agenda

2011-01-14T13:46:00.000-06:00

Yay its Friday! Just a few more hours. Have a pretty full agenda this weekend....

DAR Meeting Saturday

Followed by a Hobby Lobby stop

Then I have to sew!!!

Baby Gift #1
Baby Gift #2
Purse for a "client"
Wallet for a "client"
Robe for me

Laundry...Lots of laundry

Baby gift recipients are a secret...but I'm so excited to make their stuff!! And no one will have any idea who they are for because nearly every woman I know of child bearing age/capability is pregnant...oh except me that is...yeah...I'm okay with that...it'll be okay...so...lets talk about something else.

My diet...I'm on Day 8 of Phase 1 of South Beach. That means just 6 more days of the "cleanse" to stabilize blood sugars and stuff (no bread, fruit, or starchy veggies). Only one minor cheat when my friend unknowingly ordered sweet tea for me before I got there...didn't have the heart to send it back, felt like that would be kind rude. So I didn't drink much, only what I needed to eat my meal (less than 1/2 glass) then a big chef salad. My carb/starch/sugar cravings have lessened. Lost about 1 1/2 lbs. I feel better, less achey like I normally feel. Energy level is pretty good. Mood is pretty good. Really ready to add back whole grains since I got a wheat grinder, 2 whole wheat bread making books, and a tortilla press for Christmas...

It Snowed

2011-01-13T14:28:00.000-06:00

It snowed. In Arkansas. I got a snow day! That doesn't happen often so you Northerners don't make fun of my 1 1/2 inches!

March for Babies

2011-01-11T14:33:00.000-06:00

We are doing the March of Dimes March for Babies for the third year this year. Been working on getting stuff all set up and beginning spamming people begging for donations.

But seriously, its a great cause and a great family day, well morning, it's usually done by noon. If you are local to us we'd love you to come with us. We'd also appreciate support far and wide. You can donate securely and quickly online. Would you consider it? Would you also consider giving us a plug on your blog. You can link the to this post or this blog or to our team page... March for Babies Isaac's Team

You don't realize, until you've been there or known someone who has been through it how terrifying and serious a pre-term birth can be. If you've had a baby, imagine all the great things about a newborn and your new baby....now take them away...that is what a preemie means. Imagine that moment when your child was placed on your chest, the wonder and love you felt...take that away and add in feelings of fear about whether or not your child would live. Take the waking up every few hours for late night feedings...keep the waking up several hours, but take away the snuggles with baby and add in a breast pump and phone calls to the NICU.

So please support us...lets work together so maybe some day no one will have to endure this. Lets work together for technology to shorten the physical and emotional pain felt by parents and babies. Lets work together to shorten NICU stays.

Thoughts for Today

2011-01-11T10:36:00.000-06:00

These thoughts are random...I'm random today.

Shooting of Arizona Congresswoman. Okay, why is everyone out to make this look like the conservatives fault? The dude was a psycho who was an anarchist. NOT a conservative. And b/c the cross-hairs on Sarah Palin's map, targeting her district, looked like gun sights so therefore she is to blame. Because, yes, I am SURE that dude was just worshiping Palin. (Oh and I want to add....I'm not saying any of this to praise or put down Palin, quiet honestly I haven't made my mind up about her...I think she has some good ideas politically but I also think she is flakey...I think she COULD become something someday, but I think she is pushing it and getting the big head.)

This makes me glad we don't have much TV any more...I'm getting my fill of the political spin with just the local channels. Which we watched more than normal to keep up with our major "Winter Storm".

I'm on Day 5 of my diet...I haven't cheated either. Very proud of myself, hope to see some weight loss and improvement in my health. Brother in Law comment on my "refusing" of bread when we were out to eat and how I was dieting...he said the "eat less exercise more diet is usually successful" I bit my tongue but it made me mad really...yes, he's right...I just sit around eating candy and chocolate all day long. I really should stop doing that. And maybe when I get home rather than putting my feet up while my family waits on me I should exercise..I really should. I mean its not like there are any medical reasons why I gain weight...like insulin resistance, hormonal imbalances, etc. None whatsoever. I am perfectly healthy in that regard..I mean..taking 18 months to get pregnant then miscarrying is all normal, right? (Not to mention going into labor at 28 weeks...NORMAL!?)

We bought Isaac a new movie this weekend. He loves trains and since we have bought into the whole "licensed" stuff and got him Thomas trains I thought he should see a movie. And I must say I am impressed. In a world of kid's shows where all you have is random flashing bright colors and screaming and/or Spanglish, Thomas is a refreshing change. Its calm, yet still entertaining. And has themes like be useful, work hard, be proud of your work, help others, etc. We will be purchasing more.

We got our fish tank ready this weekend, really excited. Buying goldfish on Thursday (Thursday is new fish day!).

Adding more critters to our funny farm next weekend....GOATS! I am so excited! I have been really wanting goats for a while and finally won out!

Uumm...okay..thats all for now. Carry on with your day. I'll blog our SNOW DAY later!

South Beach Diet

2011-01-04T14:29:00.000-06:00

Thinking of trying out the South Beach diet. It sounds like a good one and it sounds do-able. Anyone have any thoughts?

I don't have the book (yet) but am reading the food lists online. Was thinking about diving in head first and starting but talked myself into not being a big dummy and actually reading up on it and going grocery shopping FIRST.

Also...next week Jilllian Michaels comes back too...

Knitting Goals

2011-01-03T15:07:00.000-06:00

I also have some knitting goals for the new year.

I just ordered me some circular needles (in the right length this time...I made an "oopsie" and got the super long ones, but thats okay, I can now make baby blankets and stuff!)

So..here is my 2011 knitting list!

Make a hat. More specifically make ISAAC a hat! Hopefully successfully then I can make Isaac and Kayla* hats! Nothing fancy really, I just want to knit a classic kids toboggan with a poofball on top!
Make Isaac and Kayla a scarf for Christmas (to match their hats!)
Make something with a cable thingy on it...like THIS (not my original photo)
I want to make a market bag...like THIS (again not my photo). I've got everything for this except the DPNs...trying to decide which ones!

Okay, thats my list. Yeah its short, but thats okay. I can add to it. Thats the stuff I really want to tackle. They are all pretty easy sounding, well the market bag seems kind of daunting to get started but the actual bag part doesnt seem so hard. The hats should be just knit in a circle...maybe. I may be in over my head but I'm a hands on person. I wont know if I can or can't until I try and it won't make sense until I'm in the middle of it.

*Kayla...you havent met Kayla? She is my only niece. She is two weeks younger than Isaac.

Resolutions

2011-01-03T11:23:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about my goals for the new year. I think I have came up with pretty good acheiveable goals.

Do at least one "No Spend" Month. I "stole" this idea from Jen . I've been reading about her No Spend Adventures for a while now and when we were forced to do it a few months ago due to cash flow issues, I decided I wanted to do it regularly. I think though, I'd like to try it in February because its a short month! And well...we've already KILLED January. I can't help the fact that Thomas the Train stuff was on 50% off at our Walmart...not my fault. Also not my fault that rearranging our living room meant we HAD to have an aquarium...in my defense...we used Isaac's Christmas money since he wanted it. He did...really!
Exercise more. Ok, yes this is cliche. But I am not talking going all hardcore and joining a gym or running a marathon. By "more" I just mean that...more. And thats easy...more than none is some! Maybe a couple times a week. This hasnt started yet...still in the rearranging the house mode and can't find the floor.
Be less wasteful. That means actually eat our leftovers. Use up things completely.
Eat more "whole" foods. Make more recipes, just less boxed stuff. Eat out less. Take our lunch. This is for money saving, being healthier, and being self sufficient (usually whole foods can be produced at home.)
Become more self sufficient. Meaning buying more things like grains in bulk. Growing a bigger better garden and canning the things we use regularly. Basically make my grocery store trips less frequent.
Keep the house in better order. Yes, I know there will be things like toys in the floor and dirty dishes. I am not a great housekeeper, BUT if I went through and did a quick pick up after Isaac is in bed and I am still up it would make a HUGE difference. If I at least picked up and stacked the dishes after supper, it'd make life much less stressful.
Organization. This is ongoing right now. I'm buying totes. Labeling things. Purging things. Recently got our living room looking good, so far NO piles! Isaac's room is next. RIght now its bad, but I am letting it go until I tackle the big project. Totes stacked in the hall shelves for stuff like playdough, coloring, flashcards. Large tote for Lincoln Logs, Wooden Train set, Trio Blocks, Thomas the Train stuff, animals, etc. "Baby" toys going into storage. Finally moving out the baby bed and infant stuff.
Build friendships. I've been neglecting my friendships with my local friends, mainly because of mere laziness on my part. I'd rather sit at home on my down days than do something with a friend. Not because I dont love my friends but because I am lazy and have no energy.
Get back into a Bible Study. I finally got myself back to getting to Sunday morning with some regularity. (Being force to get there for my class helped!) But I need to get back to Sunday night Bible Study. But...can I start that in the Spring? I just couldnt bring myself to drag me and Isaac out in the 30 degree weather last night, not when I was warm and toasty!
Number ten is personal. I chose not to disclose it. So...um....yeah! :-)

Santa Claus

2010-12-17T10:27:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking about how to approach Santa in our house. This year I can slink by but next year I'll have to have a decision.

I don't want to NOT "do" Santa, but I also don't want my kid making a huge list of "I want I want I want" either. Here are some rather in choerent thoughts of mine on it.

As a kid I remember beliving in Santa. Though I dont think the issue was ever really pushed. We wrote a letter to Santa and put it in the stove. My idea. My reasoning was that it would float up to the North Pole like the kids letter in Mary Poppins. (Plus playing with fire was fun) I remember not really believing in Santa but playing along just for the magical feeling. I like pretending to believe and the childlike wonder of it. Even when I was first married and we had no children, I wanted to put out a plate of cookies for Santa...and I did much to my husbands annoyance at my silliness (but he loves me anyway).

I also remember my parents not putting any presents under the tree until we were in bed on Christmas Eve. The main reason was because we'd snoop. But I remember the thrill of waking up Christmas morning, to the tree being on and presents piled high. My parents would turn the tree on before they went to be and when I'd get up I remember thinking "Santa came and he turned the lights on!" That was the only logical explanation right?? Then there was the year Santa broke an ornament....lol

My mother in law and grandmother in law love Santas. They have a collection, and I mean a HUGE collection, so for one, not telling my kid about Santa....well it just ain't happening.

I'm thinking that we'll have Santa fill the stocking, or maybe give just one gift. I dont want Isaac making a big deal over "Santa bring me this, and this, and this, and this." But I do want him to enjoy the magic and the wonder of it. Getting up and seeing presents under the tree. Half eaten cookies. The thrill!

I am also not crazy about the idea of "Santa" giving all the gifts that the parents worked so hard at selecting and purchasing. Not that I want all the credit, but it gives kids a lack of appreciation for the parents, in my opinion. Which is why maybe Santa will give one gift. Or just the stocking. Isnt that how the orignal Santa stories go? Santa would fill the kids stockings?

I don't think "doing" Santa takes away from reason of Christmas. I don't think it detracts from Christ's birth. I think it can be part of the celebration of Christ's birth. Additionally, I don't think families who don't "do" Santa are depriving their kids. I think its a personal choice for each family. On of my favorite prints/figurines I have ever seen is Santa bowing before the Christ child. Its a beautiful image of how I feel about Santa in our home. Santa Clause brings gifts to children in celebration of the birth of the Savior.

Happy Holidays

2010-12-16T09:48:00.000-06:00

This has been milling around in my head for a while.
Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas

Let me start off by saying that I DO think there is an attack on Christmas and Christianity in this country as a whole. But, I do NOT think every person that says or company that runs an ad saying "Happy Holidays" in lieu of Merry Christmas is anti Christian and anti Christmas. I just don't.

People buy gifts for lots of reasons in December. Hanukkah comes before Christmas. Then Christmas. Then Kwanzaa (I think there are gifts for Kwanzaa). By that standard there needs to be Happy Hanukkah ads for the first couple weeks of December. Then switch right into Merry Christmas ads. Then right after switch to Happy Kwanzaa ads. We live in a country of religious freedom and that freedom should apply to everyone. Whether or not we agree with or celebrate any of the other Holidays in Decemeber, they are special events for certain groups of people.

Now, I don't buy into the whole, don't say Christmas because you might offend someone mentality. I mean, I am not offended by "Happy Hanukkah" (not that I recall hearing that any, which is actually kinda sad). I tell most of my customers "Merry Christmas" however, if one turned to me and said "Happy Hanukkah" I wouldn't have a cow, I would say...."Ooops...Happy Hanukkah to you!" Then I might try to remember and tell them the same next year, I might forget, I would HOPE they wouldn't get offended, but they might, and that's too bad.

I've also been guilty of telling people "Happy Holidays" when they come in in November to pay a quarterly bill. Its much easier than saying "Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year". Makes much more sense to say "Hope you guys have a good Holiday season" It doesn't mean I am afraid of offending. It doesn't mean I want to take Christ out of Christmas. It means it just make more sense because I hope they have Happy ALL Holidays.

I don't buy into American Family Association's "Naughty and Nice" list. Where they list "Christmas friendly" stores and "Anti Christmas" stores so we know who "not to give our business to."

What DOES bug me...where employees are discouraged from saying "Merry Christmas." Where companies have "Holiday Trees" and stuff like that. I guess we can have "Holiday Trees" and "Holiday Candle Holders." That annoys me to no end.

I think we need to quit worrying about offending someone and live our lives. People need to quit being offended so easily. And when we walk on eggshells around those people we only feed their problem. Say it like it is. Say what you mean. Stand up for what you belive. If someone believes differently, embrace your differences. And if you both are up to it, debate them in a friendly way. One of you may be swayed the other way. Or you may not, if you are not, hug (or shake hands) and agree to disagree. Doesn't mean you can't still live in harmony and Peace on Earth!

As for me and my family. I send out CHRISTMAS cards, which I insist say "Merry Christmas" (Though mine DID say something this year about the "Holiday Season" but the heading was MERRY CHRISTMAS) I put up a Christmas tree. And well, I also do the whole "Santa thing" (I might blog about that later).

So MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!!

Nighty Night

2010-12-15T13:45:00.001-06:00

Ok, I'm riled up today. This is why.
CPSC Bans Drop Side Cribs

Let me see if I can get my thoughts into a coherent manner...

First off, I am sorry for parents who have lost their children to this. I am sorry for parents who have lost a child for any reason. But freak accidents happen. I'm sorry, they just do. Its sad, but we live in a fallen world.

When this was first starting about banning drop side cribs, I asked someone who was all for it, what moms, such as myself at a mere 5ft 2inches were supposed to do. I mean I did good to get the kid in and out of the crib WITH a drop side. (even then it usually resulted in "dropping" him the last inch and him waking up....grrr.) I was told, "just get a stool." Umm...okay. Lets think about this. I am clumsy, I mean really clumsy. I have a tendency to hurt myself in freak ways. (Seriously, I BROKE my foot stepping off a step...a step much lower than many step stools). I'm just cringing at what would happen should I attempt to climb on a stool, with a sleeping baby, in the middle of the night...that folks, is a recipe for disaster if I ever heard of one.

It also says in the article that the cribs aren't made to hold up to kids who can run, climb, and pull on the sides. Umm..ok...seems to me, if the kid can run, climb, jump, rattle the sides, it may be time to look into a toddler bed. But..wait....kid might get up before the parents, or you won't be able to put them in bed and let them cry until they fall asleep. Well folks...let me tell you about this little thing called PARENTING! Its really quiet grand, its kinda hard but very rewarding. You should try it sometime!

Another thing, my inlaws still have their crib from when the hubs was a baby (folks this thing is a good 30+ years old!). Guess what, the drop side parts are METAL! Wanna guess what the parts on Isaac's crib are made of....you guessed it PLASTIC. Also, wanna guess where Isaac's NEW crib is made...I'll give you a hint, its starts with "C" and ends with "hina". I don't know for a fact but I'm confident hub's crib was made a little more locally...like in this country. Would it have made sense to maybe mandate that quality parts be used to construct a safe sleeping place for our children rather than just banning them and opening up other issues that could be dangerous? No...its the government, that would make WAY too much sense. Besides, if we ban all cribs people will run out and buy NEW ones! (just not this mama!)

Here is what will happen. Parents will stop lowering the mattress because the mattress on the lowest setting makes it near impossible to get baby in and out of, so just keep it high where you can reach. Kids will pull up, fall out, get seriously hurt, some might even die. In a few years the CPSC will start wanting to ban all open top cribs. (and also elevated cribs) We will start putting our kids to bed in a dog crate. Problem solved!

But really, this changes nothing for me. We already have a drop side crib that I have no intention of getting rid of. It was recalled, we ordered the parts but I have no intention of installing them. Its not like we use our crib anyway right now. Didn't use it much before. Isaac slept in a high class $2,000+ a day room for two months. In the basinette next to our bed for another 4. Then after that in our bed most of the time except a few short hours a night. Then at 18 months I said forget it and set up a toddler bed. Now he still sleeps with us. And after the first of the year (at age 2 1/2) we are setting up a twin bed...then he'll still probably sleep with is. I know...we did/do that horrible thing called co-sleeping! Yeah...you must feel sorry for us right? I mean my kid is SO utterly clingy and intolerable. And me and hubby get "couple time". (Can you "hear" my sarcasm...seriously..my kid is well adjusted, friendly, likable, and me and hubs...we'll we are "creative" I'll leave it at that..."

Here is a good solution if you are worried about the crib issue.
Children Should Sleep...

I want to add...I may have just offended a ton of people with my over generalizations and the like, but um...this is my blog, I say what I want. And IF you are my friend and fall under any of the things I mentioned, take heart because if you are still my friend then well, I wasn't talking about you! :-) I feel strongly about some thing, and you may feel strongly in another direction, which is fine. I blog about things to keep myself from yelling them into the faces of perfect strangers or casual acquaintances. :-)

2010-12-14T14:27:00.000-06:00

I'm DONE!! Christmas shopping that is. I'm shocked! Still like 11 days until Christmas and I have nothing else I HAVE to buy! And even better...havent set foot in Wal-Mart...amazing huh? Now the UPS guy might not like me very much, and he probably won't show up at my door until Christmas Eve at like 7pm, but hey...shopping is DONE!

Also, all the presents I DO have purchased...all wrapped nicely under the tree! Isaac hasnt found them yet.

I also want to take wonderful pictures of our cute little tree, but....well my house is kinda trashed...maybe later!

Bratty-ness

2010-12-07T11:01:00.001-06:00

I'm having some struggles right now. Struggling between what I WANT and what God wants. I know God will give me the desires of my heart and take care of me, but I'm a bratty child and want what I want when I want it. I've been throwing temper tantrums, its not pretty. But God is being a good Father and not giving in to my tantrums. I mean, no matter how Isaac whines over wanting a cookie when he refused to eat his supper, he just ain't getting it. God is the same way. He is abundantly blessing me, giving me everything I need and most of what I desire, yet I still can't be content. Just like it breaks my heart when I see Isaac act bratty, I'm sure God isn't thrilled with me. I mean, I don't deny Isaac a cookie because I am a "mean Momma" I do it because I know, because I am his mother, that a cookie when he won't eat his food is not good for him. And that's what God does too, I mean, its not that he doesn't WANT me to have what I want, when an extra cookie will make me happy, it it (for whatever reason) may not be good for me RIGHT NOW. I mean, its not that he wont ever give me a cookie, just I don't need a cookie right now.

I'm going to try to do better. But I would still really like a cookie.

New Blog

2010-12-01T11:13:00.002-06:00

I have a new blog.
No, not ditching this one, the new one is more an informational blog.
Check me out!
http://confusingconundrum.blogspot.com

Daydreaming

2010-11-30T16:46:00.001-06:00

I'm having one of those days where I sit and daydream about another life and being someone else. Not as an escape from my family, they'd be there too. Its one of those days where I revel in my fantasy (that a lot of people find a really odd "fanatsy")

I sit and daydream and long to be in our home (preferable away from "society" on a homestead type place), barefoot in the kitchen (pregnant would work with this fantasy too) making frugal healthy food from scratch for my family. I'd be wearing a prairie skirt or a broomstick skirt. Isaac would be contentedly in the floor or there with me, doing smart stuff. That would be because I was home with him and taught him all that smart stuff. Klay might be there too, or he might be out working. Yeah, he'd be out working somewhere (even if its at home) because him being there would ruin my fantasy. Not because I don't love him and want him there, he just kills my productivity and that's NOT a part of my fantasy. While our nice whole wheat homemade bread (that would never ever be a flop) was rising, I would knit or sew or hang my laundry on the clothesline to be flapping in the breeze (because it would always be Springtime, never cold and yucky and my dog would never pull them off the line). We'd tend our chickens. We'd gather produce from our garden (which is perfect and weedless). At night after a wonderful homecooked meal, we'd sit and read books and play together then all go to bed happy.

Then the phone rings and pulls me back from my daydream...."Insurance Office, this is Erin." "Sure I can give you a quote, just a sec." "No, I'm not joking. No, I CAN NOT make it any cheaper." "Yes, that IS a good price." "Well...3 DWIs, 2 speeding tickets, and an at fault accident will do that." "I'm sorry, even though it 'wasnt your fault' you'll have to take that up with the Revenue Office." "Hello? Hello? Are you there?......"

Thankfully 5:00 rolls around, I hop in my car, go home to my messy house, hoping the dog didn't get into the dirty diapers (again). Try to throw a load of laundry in the washer/dryer. Unload and load the dishwasher. Resist the urge to have frozen pizzas and actually cook something...anything. I need chocolate...chocolate chips..that works. "No, Isaac, these are Mommy's, wait until supper." *Screaming Begins*

However, this is my life. It was given to me. Generally I like it a lot. But I have days like today. Maybe I've been reading too many Amish novels here lately...:-)

All Grown Up

2010-11-30T10:17:00.002-06:00

Seriously...can my kid look any more grown up? All together now...AWWWW

Isaac-isms

2010-11-29T14:08:00.000-06:00

Okay, after this mornings post, its time for something fun. The latest cute things my child has done.

At church Sunday we decorated our Chrismon tree (Curious as to what that is? Click Here) SOme of the Chrismons were Hearts, Stars, and Lambs. When each of those were displayed Isaac made sure the entire church knew it was a "Haart" a "Tar" and a "ba baa".

He also sang along with Christmas songs, particularly the "Boooorrrrnnnn" part of Silent Night. (ya know "Christ the Savior is Born" )

He looked like SUCH a little man Sunday. I'll post pics when I get them off my camera. I swear he looked all of 3 or 4. Really.

He also demanded that the "tree ON!" when the lights got turned off for the Chrismon service... and when they were turned on he yelled "YAY!"

We set up our Christmas decorations. I left a small (cheap) Nativity Scene down where he could reach it, playing with the Nativity was one of my favorite memories. So far every one has kissed baby Jesus, and gave him rides on their shoulders, from which he fell and yelled "WOAH" And the sheep said "baa baa"

Everytime Isaac gets to a closed door, or a barrier he proclaims "Gate LOCKED!" (this included my leg keeping him from leaving the pew in church, which he tells everyone loudly.)

His favorite song is "Winkle Winkle little Tar" And after he sings that part he sings the rest really fat so he can get done. He sings all the time.

Under a Spiritual Attack

2010-11-29T10:31:00.000-06:00

Hey, Satan. Get away! Get behind me and go away. I dont need or want you here. And I'm stronger than you because I have God on my side.

I had an amazing weekend but oh, sometime around Sunday you started to try to get in the way and mess it up. Saturday I realized the funny feeling I had was because I was experiencing something that had been rare to me in recent days...contentment. And I kinda liked it.

Then the attacks started...Sunday morning I had to miss Sunday school because my keys got locked in the house, while me and Isaac were outside. And Klay wasn't home. But we toughed it out and didn't give up and made it to church. I was also determined to go Sunday night, I've been missing and needing Bible Study and the informal fellowship, but hadn't wanted Isaac to be disruptive. Well...4:15 (church starts at 5) Isaac fell asleep. Well, I decided I was going no matter what so I carefully carried him out and put in him in the car (score! still asleep!). Made double sure I had my keys, and went to church. He was great, played quietly in the toddler room by himself (except for the occasional waving out the door at anyone who would wave)the whole time.

Well, dumb old Satan, I beat ya there didnt I. But no...you werent done yet were ya. You made Isaac wake up and be fussy all night with a fever. Guess what? I prayed, and kept my cool (no pun intended) and beat ya! He woke up this morning (well wake up is a loose term) just fine! So...you kept it coming.

At work you had a renters policy I JUST wrote have a major total loss claim. Fishy? Sure. My fault...no but I still feel like it is/could be. But I"m not letting it get me. I (no, not me, GOD in me) is stronger than you so why dont you just go crawl under a rock where you belong. You aren't wanted here, welcome here, and you can GO AWAY! Ok..buh bye now. Stop attacking me! You suck!

Day After Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T09:42:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was awesome. Amazing. Perfect. Simple.

My food came off WONDERFULLY. Everything at the perfect time, looking perfect. Check out my recipe blog later for some of the wonderful recipes. http://makebelievechef.blogspot.com/
Everyone showed up on time, not late, not annoyingly early. They walked in to a warm, clean house, smelling like Thanksgiving.
No one argued, or annoyed anyone. Very little cringing and tongue biting.
Everyone left stuffed to the gills of wonderful food.
I had a dishwasher that made cleaning the kitchen back up take just minutes, not ~~hours~~ days.
After lunch it started raining and sleeting and was horribly nasty outside, it was perfect weather to sit, eat dessert, and play Wii. And nap.

Family then returned for leftovers. Meaning I have very few leftovers now (yay!).
One of the best things about Thanksgiving is eating pie for breakfast the next morning. YUMM!
So...my belly is fully, my heart is content, my house is clean..THIS is what Thanksgiving should feel like.
Hopefully going to sweet talk Klay into putting the tree up tonight, tomorrow, or Sunday. Puh-leeese, Daddy Klay?? PEEEEESSSEEE?!

In other news....I finished knitting my scarf. Yet I still dont have a scarf, it was stolen. I thought the novelty had worn off and I'd wear it this morning. Nope, on the way out the door I stopped to kiss Isaac bye bye....he said "scarf!" and took it away...

~~Klay~~ Isaac has been formulating his Christmas list. ~~Klay~~ Isaac wants Lincoln Logs, Legos, and Play Dough. I think he'll also get a BIG coloring book (one of those you can lay in the floor and color) and maybe WASHABLE markers. Can't wait until Daddy's payday to start shopping. I have my list of what I am getting most everyone and would like to start getting it done so Christmas can feel like Thanksgiving did.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T11:01:00.000-06:00

I'm having trouble being thankful at the moment. I'm mostly just stressing over the Holidays and all I "have to do." I need to rectify my attitude. So in an attempt to do that I am going to do an overly cliche and trite list of what I am thankful for.

Count you blessings, name them one by one. Count your blessing see what God had done. Count your blessings...name them..one...by..one.... Count your many blessings see what God has done.

I am thankful that...

I am married to my best friend. A man who totally knows how crazy I am and actually likes me anyway!
I have a totally cute, smart, and mostly well behaved child.
Said child is healthy and normal despite his rough start.
I have a warm, secure house.
I have so much stuff that said house is pretty trashed all the time.
I now have a dishwasher because without it it would be more trashed than it is now.
I have a job, that while might pay less than other jobs, its laid back enough that I am doing this.
98% of the time I love my job.
the other 2% is usually just due to me being spoiled by said job.
I have a bunch of online friends, that I can say are really and truely my friends and "get" me.
that even though my family kinda drives me crazy sometimes I have family.
I don't have to travel long distances to see said family.
I have two cats that are an awesome fit for our family.
I have two dogs that make our life interesting to say the least
I have farm fresh eggs right out my back door from hens lovingly tended to by a loving hubby.
I have farm fresh milk from a cow that I know her name (Haggatha).
I have a nice, new, pretty, red car, just like I wanted.
I have a nifty "smart phone" in a cutsey pink cover, also just like I wanted.
I have two deep freezers and a basement pantry full of food.
I know how to cook and enjoy cooking and utilize said skill frequently.
I go to small church and I can name every person and where they sit.
our pastor's wife shares our pew and doesn't mind (and actually enjoys) helping me with Isaac.
my church loves me and my child and doesnt mind his occasional 2yr old antics.
I have a washer and dryer in my home, otherwise house would be even worse!

Ok...sure there are more but I have to work now...

Christmas 2010

2010-11-22T09:54:00.001-06:00

Retro Plaid Christmas 5x7 folded card

Shop Shutterfly for elegant custom Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Marriage and Facebook

2010-11-19T09:44:00.000-06:00

Okay...here is my thoughts/opinions/rats of the day. Please feel free to weigh in, I love discussions.

A New Jersey pastor "ordered" 50 married church leaders to delete their facebook accounts or resign their position. He reasoning...to save their marriage. Ultimatum on Facebook

I have a facebook. My hubby does not. He loathes social networking.
I only have one ex and he is not on my facebook (however, if he sent me a friend request I'd have no issue in accepting since we WERE good friends and my intent would NOT be to "hook up" or any such thing, and my hubby would have full knowledge of him being on there, but he hates me b/c I told him he was controlling and stuff so thats neither here nor there.)
My hubby does not have my facebook password, yet I dont necessarily HIDE it from him. Can't tell you the number of times I've left it logged in, or we've used it jointly to research people he knows/knew.

My thoughts on this is that it is not facebook that is destroying marriages, but something underlying that facebook enables to happen. And that being the case, blaming it on facebook is hiding your head in the sand. If you are so vulnerable that you cheat on your spouse just because you came back in contact with an ex on facebook, then you would have been vulnerable to the first attack that came your way. Whether you knew it or not you were looking for an opportunity.

If you are so untrusting of your spouse that just the worry of facebook has you accusing them and tearing your marriage apart, then there are other issues involved.

Here is a quote from the article:
"I know he feels very strongly about this," she said. "It can be a useful tool, but it also can cause great problems in a relationship. If your spouse won't give you his or her password, you've got a problem."

Yes, if your spouse is hiding it, you might have a problem. But it is not a facebook problem...if it wasn't their facebook it might be their email, their text messages, their job. I'm all for openness and honesty in a marriage, I tell hubs everything (more than he really even CARES to know). He doesn't tell me every breath he takes during the day but he DOES tell me what matters. If the hospital (where he works IT) sends him to the home of a transcriptionist (usually female) he'll call and tell me on his way. Because it's tempting? No But because he wants me to know, for one that way if anything DID happen or if anyone SUGGESTING something ("I saw your hubby at a woman's house!") I would already know and he would have been honest with me. He's had ex-gfs call him several times about computer issues, he was always quick to tell me about the call. Not that I dont trust him, but how would I have felt if I borrowed his phone and saw an hour long call from an ex that he never mentioned? Once an ex even asked him to stop by her house and look at a computer, before he told her he would he asked me if it was ok and if I wanted to go along. I told him I trusted him and no need for me to go, but he ASKED. I KNEW.

"The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of its members have used or been faced with evidence plucked from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites in divorce cases over the last five years."
This stat is misleading in my opinion. Again, I think facebook is just a tool to achieve something that inevitably would have happened anyway. Taking away the tools that are used to achieve something is NOT solving the root problem.

I personally think this church would do a much better job at preserving marriages in their congregation by having sermons and studies on marriage. Having couple's retreats and things like that, rather than attacking facebook. By demanding that their leaders delete their accounts and strongly suggestion the congregation do the same, they are actually making the problem worse. Say a spouse innocently has a facebook, and since he/she is not doing anything nor plans to do anything inappropriate they chose not to delete it. Now Pastor stand up on Sunday morning and declares it a "danger to your marriage" what does other spouse think? Now do that start to worry that their spouse is cheating, looking up old girlfriend/boyfriends? There a strife has been caused in a marriage that had no call for it.

Trust. Its all about trust. Work on your marriage, grow your marriage, don't get caught up in petty things and hide your head in the sand if there is a real issue and place the blame on something/someone else.

Prematurity Awareness Day 2010

2010-11-17T14:41:00.000-06:00

Today is Prematurity Awareness Day.
If you are my friend, you are aware.
If you are a new friend and not aware, I encourage you to check out some of my earlier postings.

Not going to beat y'all over the head with our story again today.If you want to know more or want to talk, please ask, I love sharing.

I thought I'd share some other links and information for you.

An Excellent Blog Post

Signs and Symptoms of Preterm Labor

If Your Baby is Born Too Soon

"Late" Preterm Births

Why the Last Weeks of Pregnancy are Important. Remember, just because you are "term" doesn't mean its eviction time for baby.

Some GOOD News

How You Can Help

This should not be the way any parent has to see their child for the first time.

Letting Go

2010-11-15T15:12:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know this sounds pessimistic, and I don't really mean it to be that way.

However, I am feeling like I am being told to let it go. Not "let it go and hand it to God" but let it go as in "it ain't gonna happen." And for some reason I have. Not that I LIKE it. Not that I WANT that. But I just feel a strange weird feeling about it. Generally I can see it, like its just a waiting game (again) but not this time. The little picture in my head feels like its moving away. I used to see it clearly, not I don't. Its not even there, I can't see it anymore.

I'm really not liking this. I don't want this. But its really not my choice.

I've never felt this way before. I feel sad, but not depressed. I feel...I don't know how I feel.

I know this doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense.

I'm not looking for a pity party. Not looking for advice. I'm just saying...

Freebies

2010-11-12T13:26:00.000-06:00

Who loves freebies? ME! Who loves freebies for stuff you really need? ME! Who loves pictures of the world's cutest kid? ME ME ME (and of course that kid is mine!)

There is a promotion for bloggers to get 50 free Holiday cards. And I am trying to get it! I love doing photo Christmas Cards. They started with me and the man setting up our camera on a tripod and posing with our dog in front of a black sheet. Then we progressed to in front of the Christmas tree. We'd usually take around 100 pics and end up with 3 that were ok. Ok means we both look at camera, you can't see where the edge of the sheet is, both of our heads are in the picture, and its not too blurry. Then it got easier when I could take a pic of a cute little baby dressed as Santa. THEN it got harder when cute little baby became a toddler. This year, however, we called in the pros...well my friend who wants to be a pro, and is well on her way. She took our pics. So for the first time ever we can have Christmas cards with a professional family photo! No auto timer, tripods, or black sheets involved. Just our smiling faces (and a few m&ms to bribe the two year old!) This year I can not wait to send our card out, and if I can get free cards, even BETTER!! I've never used Shutterfly personally but have heard great things and can't wait to try out this deal!

If we get them here are the ones I'm looking at:

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards/seasonal-chic-noir-christmas-card-5x7-flat?sortType=1&storeNode=93479

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards/dotty-holiday-monogram-christmas-card-5x7-flat?sortType=1&storeNode=93479

This is my favorite!
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/retro-plaid-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93495

If you are a blogger you can get this deal too! Its super easy. Sign up by going to http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Yay for free stuff!! Yay for pictures! YAY!

Prematurity Awareness Month

2010-11-10T14:03:00.000-06:00

November is Prematurity Awareness Month. Usually I am not a fan of all these "awareness" months, but this one I think people really aren't aware of what all it means. I mean sure, everyone knows about Breast Cancer (I think, I'd hope). But are people honestly aware of how many babies are born premature? I wasn't. I had no idea that that many babies were born so early, or what it meant to have a preemie.

It means more than just a tiny baby. It means a baby who had to fight for his life daily, for weeks. It means a baby that isnt handed to a smiling mama while the doctor proclaims "its a boy", but instead delivered to a room of doctors/nurses holding their breath for a positive outcome then rushing the baby out of the room to a waiting team of neonatal professionals.

It means learning terms like apnea, braycardia, patent ductus arteriosis, reflux, retinopathy, hemocrit counts, etc. And using those terms on a daily basis when you check in on your child. It means learning to breastfeed in a hotel room with a pump and a wrinkled picture a nurse took of your child.

It means learning more than how to install the carseat, but how to administer medications, reset heart monitors, and CPR.

It means waking up in the middle of the night 100 miles away from your baby in a cold sweat and shaking as you call the NICU because you had a dream that he died. To thankfully, be reassuringly told by an angel on earth that he was "having a good night" and sleeping, then laying back down (after hooking yourself up to a milking machine) and being unable to go back to sleep.

It means boarding an elevator nearly everyday for two months to travel to the 2nd floor along with families taking flowers to their new mom and sometimes meet families get off the elevator going home...with their 2 day old.

It means finally taking that walk yourself, holding your breath and pinching yourself asking if its really real after 63 days are you finally going home...all of you...going home.

It means every so often looking at pics of your tiny 3lb baby, while your 30 lb toddler runs through the house singing "Row Row Row, EIEIO, Little Tar!!!" It means every so often getting on your soap box to "educate" women (and men) on what premature birth means. It means hounding your pregnant friends every time they say their back hurts to make sure it just hurts and isnt "time able at regular intervals and getting closer.
together"

It means being thankful for being allowed to witness a true miracle firsthand and never ever ever taking your child for granted. Even though at the time you were sure it was a punishment. But now knowing that it was a blessing that you just had to open your eyes to realize.

Routine

2010-11-08T13:04:00.001-06:00

My family needs a routine. We are horrible managers of our time. It makes us stressed and overwhelmed and then it gets worse. Sure we are busy folks, with us both working, but we really don't have much else going, we don't have ballgames, meetings, and stuff like that. I feel like our biggest setback on getting Isaac potty trained and in a good bedtime routine is our lack of schedule and routine. Our home is chaos...we let the house get messy until we have to clean it up, I nearly always cook dinner but I am usually stressed about what to make. Bedtime is when ever we get so tired we crash. Laundry gets done when we run out of clothes, making for some stressful mornings getting ready for work. Hubs stays home with Little Man on Mondays and Fridays, so those days this schedule is pretty much for me as far as mornings go. However, we are also hoping this helps Daddy get out the door quicker on days he goes in to work, thus allowing us to carpool, thus saving us money and making us more money by him getting more hours. (For clarification, he is a self employed computer consultant who works via contract..translation...FLEXIBILITY)

So in an attempt to get us "in order" I am drafting a "Family Schedule."

So.....here we are...presenting our family schedule. (Open to critique!)

Daily Schedule

6:00 AM Rise and Shine!

6:00-7:00 Daddy chore time

Mommy and Isaac shower and get dressed

7:00-8:00 Daddy shower and get dressed

Mommy and Isaac fix breakfast

8:00-8:30 Eat breakfast/gather up stuff to leave

8:30 Out the Door!!

6:00pm Get home!

6:00-7:00 Daddy chore time.

Mommy fix supper

Isaac Play time

7:00 Suppertime!

7:30-8:00 TV time, playtime, pick up supper dishes,

8:00 Bath, brush teeth, in Pjs

8:30-9:00 Quiet time (reading, quiet chores, etc.)

9:00 Isaac's Bedtime

10:00 Mommy and Daddy Bedtime

For clarification...Daddy's chore time is bringing in firewood, tending chickens, feeding animals, etc. As well as any work stuff he may have to get done.

The evening time frames are flexible, we sometimes get home sooner than 6:00. Sometimes eat earlier than 7:00. Biggest stickler I want to have is everyone getting ready for bed at 8:00 and winding down. At this time I can do laundry or other stuff, Isaac can play some more, Daddy can do some work if needed, just getting the house calm. By 9:00 I want to get Isaac to laying down, this may take 30 minutes or more to get him to sleep, but so be it. And for myself...I can't stay away much past 10:00...ever. And after Isaac is asleep Mommy and Daddy can do whatever...even watch "grown up" TV shows or what not.

Family

2010-11-03T14:50:00.000-05:00

I really like my family.
First is was just Klay and me. We met each other and really liked each other.

November 2004

So we had a wedding. It was pretty. I liked it. I always wanted to get married.

March 19, 2005

Then we decided we needed a baby. This baby thought we were SO awesome and couldnt wait to be with us he was born three months early. It was rough but we were a family so we made it.

Our first family pic. August 5, 2008

Baby grew bigger and finally came home. We like being a family.

October 2008

We do stuff together as a family. Like walk and raise money for the March of Dimes.

April 2009

Artist rendering, April 2010

And go play in fields of Daffodils. And meet up with cool people we know.

March 2010

(Photo taken by same nurse who took first family photo above)

We also like to read books. Yes, sometimes in our back yard.

October 2010

Sometimes Isaac isnt sure if he's so crazy about these folks that are his family. But he'll come around.

But he knows we love him. And he knows we are wrapped around his little fingers.

We like being a family. We are happy. Three is a good number. (of course I wouldnt complain with the number four, or even five, but we'll take what we are given).

Trick or Treat

2010-11-01T11:26:00.001-05:00

Halloween has come and gone. I know a lot of Christians are pretty controversial about Halloween. While I don't "celebrate" Halloween and make a big deal out of it, I must say in the past couple years I have thoroughly enjoyed it. This year I went home last night say "Halloween was AWESOME" We had the BEST time. Seriously! (and we didn't worship Satan once!) I mean seriously, can a "holiday" where you dress your kid up as cute as can be and parade him around to family collecting candy be all bad? Then after that going to another family members house for a little party, very family themed, just roasting hotdogs, marshmellows, playing outside and more candy! Night was wrapped up with one LONG hayride winding through the field. With a few big kids "scaring" the riders. However, Isaac was NOT scared. I'd ask him "Isaac, whats out there?" His response..."Hay!" Yes, it WAS a hay field!

And I must add, he was THE. CUTEST. DRAGON. EVER! So yes, we "celebrated" Halloween, and Yes, it was amazingly fun!

How to Carve a Pumpkin

2010-10-22T09:16:00.000-05:00

First you pick the PERFECT pumpkin.

Then you let Daddy cut the top off.

The you scoop out the "guts"

You put the "guts" in a bowl!

Then you let Daddy do the carving. See Daddy carving...

Ahhh...Daddy does a good job.

Then you must inspect the work of your carver...

Put in a candle and light it

The turn off the lights and VIOLA!

A Fun Fall Weekend

2010-10-18T13:54:00.000-05:00

Had an awesome fall weekend. It couldnt have been better.

Saturday, after I got off work. We went and got lunch (Subway) and ate it in the park. Then we took Isaac to the pumpkin patch! He loved it! They had it all nicely decorated with lots of cute scarecrows. I tired to take pictures of them but everytime I'd turn around there was another one. Now those of you who live in bigger area may laugh at our little podunk pumpkin patch, but I think its wonderful. Local, family owned, and so much fun!

Their patriotic display is always my favorite. And I like how it is always in a location of honor, off to itself and where everyone can see it.

Then they had these cute thingies to put your head thru. So of course we had to play along!

They also had this little tunnel thing for the kids to go thru. We though he'd find it weird or spooky, or exciting. No, my child just kinda walked right through it and was like um...ok, what now. So we made him repeat it with us being all excited, like "ooo...wonder whats int here? Oh, where did Isaac go!?" Still nothing.

THEN we finally got to the pumpkins! Lots of pumpkins to pick! First thing we had to do was run circles in the patch...

Then the task of choosing just the right pumpkin.

Maybe over here is a good one...

Or this one. It looks good.

Then the obligatory posing while I took pictures in the pumpkin patch. No one was overly thrilled.

Then we headed off down the road a bit (at the same farm) to pick apples. Isaac loved apple picking since apples are his most favorite thing. I told him however, that the apples were dirty and we couldnt eat them yet. So the moment we got home he began throwing them in the sink. Kid ate so many apples this weekend (thankfully, today is "Daddy day" as far as diapers are concerned)

ANd lastly, since I love seeing how much he has grown. I'll post the previous pumpkin patch pics.

Year 1: No official Pumpkin Patch picture because I was too afraid to take him out of the house. Sheesh, you'd think I was paranoid or something. I mean he'd been home for the hospital like a whole two weeks! LOL

Year 2: My friend Sarah and her family were visiting so we went up there with her and her kiddoes. Isaac was JUST learning to walk.

Present Year: Isaac ran around screaming PUMPKIN! And waved bye bye to all the scarecrows. He was not impressed and thought they were just some weird people who were standing in his way that he didnt want to talk to.

Fall Stuff

2010-10-15T09:40:00.000-05:00

Yay, I'm feeling fall-ish!

We have been sleeping with the windows open at night, the past couple of nights we had to close them AND use blankets. It was nice! Soon we'll be beyond fall and have a fire going in the wood stove (which means a pot of water simmering with cinnamon sticks on top too!)

But...in celebration of fall I've been doing fall things.

Using my crockpot. All I know how to do in my crockpot is stuff like soups and stews and you are only supposed to eat those in winter and fall. Right now there is a beef stew going in the crockpot and I have a lovely loaf of cheesy garlic artisan bread (on 50% off at Walmart since it had to be used by today!) If you want some of my crockpot recipes, I have a recipe blog if'n ya didnt know. Its here: http://makebelievechef.blogspot.com/

I learned to knit! Knitting is fun. I'm not overly great at it, it still requires me to stick the tip of my tounge out and say stuff like "let mama concentrate". Isaac likes to walk up and touch my yarn and say "oooo...pitty." And "all done??" I have some "pitty" homespun yarn that looks like watercolors to me, its actually called 'painted desert'. I might actually finish my scarf by winter! Dont look too close at it, its uneven and I dropped a stitch early on and didnt want to undo what I had done so I just pretended it didnt happen.

We are going to the pumpkin patch this weekend and apple picking. I am wanting a whole bushel of apples. I looked up recipes and I want to make 2 batches applesauce, 1 batch apple butter, and 1 batch "apple pie in a jar" jam. And if any is left then maybe just some canned apples in syrup or apple pie filling. And I want to puree and freeze pumpkin. Never done THAT before but there is a pumpkin shortage. (Its true, did you not know? Scary! Washington Post) I also want to carve a pumpkin and place a nice pretty round one on my porch!

Halloween. I'm not a big Halloween person, yet I still don't think me letting my kiddoe dressup, eat candy, and go on a hayride makes me a heathen either. But I AM excited about Isaac dressing up as what has to be the worlds cutest dinosaur and go "rawr rawr". Last year he was barely walking, this year he is also barely walking. Its more like a RUN! So I'm pretty stoked..it's gonna be awesome!

Oh, and for those wondering and who love me. I'm ok. Physically pretty much nothing was going on. Emotionally I'm recovering but going to be fine. Forgive me if I dont talk about it much, but I do appreciate everyone's love and support. God is good and has given me great friends and family and I love you all. But God is also good and just and will use this for His Glory.

Soo...um...yeah

2010-10-11T12:44:00.000-05:00

Took a super cute pic of Isaac Saturday night to post online. Had the cute little boy holding a sign that said "Big Brother to B". Sunday morning I deleted it because he was no longer a big brother to be.

On one hand I said "yay, well I can actually get pregnant" but then the doc called and said that it was just a hormonal abnormality (most likely) called a chemical pregnancy, and there was never anything there. Just my body being my own worst enemy and hating me.

I'm ok. I don't really feel like talking about it. Don't take it personal.

It sucks. I hate it. I am angry at myself for actually believing I was pregnant and making a big production over it. I am upset that I got so attached to something that was never there. Yeah I was dreaming and planning and thinking of names for a baby that was just a figment of my body's imagination in the attempt to make me suffer.

So yeah, it sucks. My heart hurts. But I'll get over it.

I Guess That Makes Me a Prude

2010-10-06T09:45:00.001-05:00

Well..I guess I am a prude and turning into a Grandma...but thats really ok with me.

Last year, you may recall, there was a Facebook sensation about posting your bra color to "raise awareness for Breast Cancer." I found it silly, but played along in a tongue in cheek manner. Surely people didn't think I changed my bra 15 times in one hour including things like lime green with glitter and coconut shells. This year the "awareness" continues. This time we are supposed to post where we like to put our purse to "keep guys guessing". We are supposed to say stuff like "I like it on the couch." But not tell anyone what its about. So we can " show how strong we are and raise awareness". Seriously? So since when does posting a sexual innuendo raise awareness? Since when does keeping someone guessing raise awareness? How does making guys think we like sex on the counter make them aware of Breast Cancer? I would think if you wanted to make someone "aware" you would tell them what you are talking about?

Breast Cancer is a big deal. Its kind of a serious thing. Why play games with it? This is juvenile and childish and just plain dumb, in my opinion (and since this is my blog my opinion is the bomb!). I posted a link my my facebook encouarging women to do their breast self exams and showing them how. If you are a facebook-er I encourage you to to do the same, rather than post where you "like it".

I'm not overly prudish. I am not "offended" by the postings about your purse. I do not gasp and turn my head. If you want to play the game, go right ahead. But don't fool yourself into thinking it has ANYTHING to do with Breast Cancer. All it comes down to is tacking something that people feel strongly about onto something stupid to just see how many people jump of the bridge. And sadly I have been seeing many people, whom I had great respect for as intelligent mature individuals telling me they "like it on the washer or dryer."

Additionally, when you post "I like it on the table" people DO immediately think sex. They dont think "it" could mean anything. When I first saw those I DID think sex until I caught onto what was going on and I do like to think I am not a perv.

Sad thing is...this will make the news most likely. However what WILL NOT make the news is intelligent postings by Breast Cancer victims and families. And encouragement to do and get breast self exams and mammograms. Instead the news casters will be joking about where they "like it". And THAT is the crux of the issue, things like this are egged on and that is why people play these dumb games.

I do not think Breast Cancer is a game or the least bit funny. I lost an aunt/cousin (yeah, she was both) to breast cancer when she was 28 years old, leaving behind a young son. I lost my grandmother to a heart attack following surgery for breast cancer. I have an older cousin who survived breast cancer twice, and uterine cancer, and is battling cancer yet again. I have two good friends whose mothers are breast cancer survivors.

So please ladies. Don't tell me where you like to put your purse. Don't bother changing your profile pic pink. Just feel your boobies regularly and get checked if you notice anything odd. I'd like to keep you around.

Weekend

2010-10-04T09:45:00.001-05:00

I had a great weekend. Got alot of stuff done PLUS still relaxed. Love it.

I have become addicted to making lists and keeping a notebook (which I forgot today and its driving me batty). But I had several lists going and I got several things marked off!

Saturday Klay was out of town so Isaac and I headed to R'ville to run errands. Our original plan included my friend and her kiddoes meeting us for lunch and some shopping...that didnt happen (like always-not her fault, but still frustrating) so we were on our own.

We got the car detailed(they forgot when I bought it so they 'owed'me)

Dropped off three boxes of clothes at the consignment shop. Awesomeness, that means three less boxes sitting in my basement!

Went to JC Pennys and bought me the winter coat I've been lusting after for years

Went to Bath and Body Works. We were out of handsoap and my manly husband, who wont use even scented bath stuff or "girly" lotion, loves BBW. Go figure. Had a coupon for a free lotion too, SCORE!

Went to Hobby Lobby and bought craft supplies for church and for Isaac's robe. My church class (Primary) and Isaac's class (Toddlers) were doing the first installment of Pastor Appreciation month and were giving them decorated gift bags with snacks for their "big" weekend getaway at the end of the month. And making cards.

Went to lunch at McDonalds. Yes, with a two year old by myself. Went pretty well. I was suprised.

Then went to Kroger and got groceries (oh how excited I am to finally ditch Walmart and use a REAL Grocery store) And..I stayed nicely under budget. I've been trying to do better with menu planning and buying more "ingredients" and less boxes/packages. I think I did well. I got meat, veggies, fruits, a few "extras", and some basics. Should make it go two weeks, and only spent $120.

Then went home...picked up the house, read a little, cut out his robe.

Then my friend and kids came over with dinner. It was nice to sit, eat, and chat and not worry about getting back to work. Kids played perfectly.
Then she left, we rocked, and Daddy came home.

Sunday was also great.

Craft project and presentation for Pastor Appreciation (that my class and Isaac's class had to do) went pretty flawlessly.

Finished Isaac's Robe.

Read a little.

Did a little laundry.

Good weekend....

Today Klay is picking up our 1/2 a hog we had butchered, YAY for pork!

Here is my cute kid in his cute robe, which he picked the fabric for himself, and stood by my sewing machine jumping saying "rawwr rawwr" and "all done?" while I was making it. He's been wearing it everywhere. Love how he can now get excited over stuff I make him!

Happy Homecoming Day!!

2010-10-01T14:53:00.001-05:00

Today is October 1. Its nearly 3 pm. Pretty close to this exact time two years ago we were learning to put our baby in the carseat and finally making that walk down the hall, to the elevator, and out the door to go home. Yes, go HOME. ALL of us. I didnt cry, believe it or not. I held my breath (I was afraid the doc would coming running down the hall screaming about making a mistake and take him back).

After 63 days (thats over two MONTHS ya'll) life was finally "right". Of course we werent average yet, we had a 6lb 2 month old. Preemie clothes and diapers still didnt fit right. Kid had cords attached to him. But I could take him home. If he cried I took care of him. If he needed a new diaper I took care of him. If we knocked a monitor lead loose and the alarm went off nurses didnt come running. It was just us. Scary at time, but oh so nice. We were afraid to sleep that night for fear something would happen, so we took turns watching him sleep.

So today, two years later we celebrat. We are having cupcakes and pizza and Isaac is getting a new toy! Hooray!

Happy Homecoming Day Isaac!!!

Homecoming day two years ago...

Homecoming Day (approx.) one year ago!

Present Day!

Books

2010-09-30T13:23:00.000-05:00

I read books. Well I CAN read books. I should read books. I'm trying to read books. I watch too much TV and play too many computer games. Went to the library today, I started Chronicles of Narnia, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (I've already read book #1). I LOVE the dedication in this book, makes me tear up a little and smile alot...

"To Lucy Barfield
I wrote this story for you, but when I began it I had not realized that girls grow quicker than books. As a result you are already too old for fairy tales, and by the time it is printed and bound you will be older still. But some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. You can then take it down from some upper shelf, dust it, and tell me what you think of it. I shall probably be too deaf to hear, and too old to understand, a word you say, but I still shall be
Your affectionate Godfather
CS Lewis"

Never too old for fairy tales....

Crafting/Sewing Project List

2010-09-29T09:59:00.000-05:00

I'm in a list making mood. (Thank You Jen for the notebook idea...I am now making tons of lists in a notebook, and guess what...I'm getting stuff done!)

Here is what is in my crafting queue!

Christmas Presents for Kayla and Isaac. The hooded robe. Isaac still loves his hooded towels even though he has way outgrown them.
Well Isaac's may not wait until Christmas since he really needs his now.

A Robe for me. I've been wanting/needing a short robe and have never found one I am crazy about. But isnt this just the cutest! And I LOVE sewing with fleece, SO easy!

A laptop bag that I have "ordered." Though she said not to get in a hurry on it and she still has to pay off her first bag first. But I am anxious to try this new pattern.

These pumpkins...however they are started and ALMOST finished. Though mine dont look near that good!

Disclaimer: This are NOT my original photos...Patterns are McCalls and Amy Butler. Pumpkins from THIS Blog. ;-)

Buh Bye TV!

2010-09-29T09:42:00.000-05:00

We cancelled TV in our house. Okay, thats not totally truthful...we WILL cancel TV in our house tomorrow. We havent used it in two weeks except for ONE show that we cant find online that ended last night...we though what is one more week to finish it up. We'll watch it tonight, then BUH BYE!

There are still shows we enjoy, but we found them all online, for FREE, so um...why pay $60 a month for TV?

And I must say it has totally changed our household. We are less stressed, more productive, more interactive with each other. Its been a great thing.

I've been crafting. We've been playing some video games (which is better to me than vegging out at the boob tube). We've been eating dinner, at the table, without the TV going. Isaac is talking more (be it age or TV, I dont care, I'll take it). We have routines now! There are moments in our house that the TV is NOT blaring...silence... My house is picked up more. Its nice.

Sure we still watch several shows, I'm not totally stopping watching TV, its just more a deliberate attempt to sit down and watch something, not the have the stinkin' thing on just because its the thing to do.

I'm curious to what the total savings from this will be...not only are we saving $60 a month (a net of $50 if we decide to do Netflix). But the TV is one of the old school big ole things (not flat screen) so I KNOW its zapping the energy. What we have been watching has been on the computer monitors (flat screen) which 1) would be on anyway and 2) use much less power. Excited to see our electric bill (also since the AC has been off for three days straight too!)

I feel so revitalized. So...free! Of course our family thinks we are wacko and "wont be able to handle it". So what, its not like the end of the world. If we decide we DONT like being without it its not like we'll just die. AND...if we want it back we'll get the "new customer" specials! Its win win!

Stay tuned for my crafting list post! I have lots of great things in my queue! I've been making lots of lists!

New Car

2010-09-17T09:56:00.000-05:00

I got a new car yesterday.

I LOVE it.

My Jeep was a piece of JUNK! Literally.We've had it a little over 1 1/2 years and its been in the shop (under warranty) three times. Twice for the same issue. THe other time was for a "known issue" that Chrysler never addressed until called on it. The issues...the soft top just quit closing one day for no reason (and I didnt even ever USE it) the other issue was it leaked around the back hatch and antenna when it rained. Thing only had 16K miles, what was going to happen when it got 50K? 100K and NO warranty? So it went buh bye.

We wanted back in a Nissan. Nissans have always been good to us, never had an issue. So we started casually looking. I found a used, red, Pathfinder I was SURE I wanted. I begged. I pleaded. Told hubby I REALLY wanted it. Pointed out ever Pathfinder I saw on the road. But the numbers didnt work. He suggested I look at something else. I pouted. I wanted the Pathfinder. Then I was convicted. So I told God (about this and other issues) that I was done. I am no longer going to try to "run" things. I was making myself AND my hubby miserable and being a real brat. I told God he was in control. I told Klay I submitted to him as the head of our household (and in charge of our finances) on whether or not we should trade. He told me to keep looking on the dealers website for stuff I might want and when/if I saw anything to let him know. So I checked periodically. Then one day I saw a 2009 Nissan Rogue on the site, a little bit cheaper than the Pathfinder. I mentioned it to hubby and he looked at it, told him I wasnt crazy about it being white but I wouldnt die over the color, but I think a red car would be cool. He called me back and said...did you see the NEW (as in 2001) RED Rouge they have on the site for CHEAPER (as in a few thousand cheaper)? No WAY. No way, would a 2011 work into our budget. I ran the calculators (I pouted). But then I said, "Ok, God, if YOU want me in a new car then YOU will make it happen, so I am not going to worry about it, end of story).

So yesterday we went to the carlot. I was leary about getting enough trade in and the numbers working. We had our "magic" number in our head of what the payments HAD to be (per our budget plus cushion room). We pull up, he meets us out front with the key to the my DREAM car. I thought, again, there is NO WAY I'm going to drive off in that car, and kept telling myself NOT to get my hopes up...no way. Drove like a dream. We then came back, went in to talk "numbers." Guy offered us trade in on the Jeep leaving us "upside down" of about $500. But our payments still were within budget, right at our "magic number." We told him we would not be upside down on our loan and that was a no go and if he could give us just $500 more...he made a phone call and came back and said "Ok". (Pick jaw up off the floor). Now we were BELOW our "magic number." So...we said ok! Traded keys and she is mine!

Seriously. I have NEVER EVER had a car deal go like that. Its so cool that God cares about things in our like, even our cars! Ok, some people will probably tell me that its silly to think my new car came from God, and maybe it is. But I truely believe God was dealing with me in letting go and letting him handle things, as well as submitting to my husband (which I dont usually do, I usually just whine and try to manipulate him to getting what I want).

Now I am working on letting go and submitting to God on other things. Kinda excited to see what he has in store for me next.

My pretty new car!

Adventures in Parenting

2010-09-13T13:42:00.000-05:00

I had someone comment on a pic the other day and say she enjoyed seeing our "adventures". Never thought of t that way, but being a mom IS an adventure. For example this weekend...

Isaac discovered mudholes.

He started tromping through it and I though "ok, no biggie he is in his crocs and just a diaper, whats the worst that could happen?" (yes, I had my kid outside in just a diaper, something I swore I'd never do). Well, two seconds after walking through the puddle he plops down sqaure in the middle of it. Oh joy...he is now soaked, muddy, and a good ways from the house (we had walked to the mailbox). Oh, did I mention the reason he had on just a diaper is he had just gotten out of the bath? And...that as soon as we got back to the yard he plopped down (still wet) in the sand box. Oh yes...awesomeness. BUT...he had fun, he's all boy, and this was much different than two years ago when he was in a sterile plastic box in the NICU!

Isaac also discovered stickers.

He has always been weird about stickers, couldnt stand them. Until he learned he could put them on his LEGS and see them quiet well. So he proceeded to spend several minutes placing the stickers on himself. He was so intent with it, he'd study his leg and then point and the spot he wanted it to go and then place the sticker there. He had such an order about their placement.

Isaac also loves the cat.

He loves all animals really. But Zippy is his bud. When he came home from the hospital Zippy would sit and watch him. And one night a few months ago Isaac was very sick with a very high fever, Zippy climbed in bed with him and laid with his paw on his chest (the one and only time he has EVER done anything like that). Zippy is his guardian. Though occassionally Zippy reaches his limit and Isaac ends up with a scratch or two, but he usually deserves them.

Two Years Ago

2010-09-08T11:12:00.000-05:00

Today is Sept 8. This day has a history of being a big day.

20 years ago today I became a big sister (you decide if that was a good or bad event! Depends on the day you ask me! haha)

2 years ago today my one month old baby was still sitting in the hospital. My best friend delivered her first baby, a boy, I got to go see and hold him, which was joyous, but also a reminder that here I sat, holding HER baby, which she was taking home the following day, while mine was 100 miles away.

Also, when I arrived at the hospital to visit my friend, I was met with the news that one of our very dear friends from highschool had lost her battle to leukemia.

Strange feelings that day...happiness, sadness, disappointment, joy...how do you react? The pain/happiness and confusion of feelings must have been evident...on the way home from visiting my friend and her new baby I called the hospital to check on Isaac, the nurse immediately asked me if I was ok. It was nice to know they really did care about me, that moment she felt like the only friend I had.

Today, is better than this day two years ago. I woke up and sent a text to my friend telling her "Happy Birthday" to her two year old. Kissed my two year old who was asleep in my bed, HOME! And smiled, remembering our dear friend Laurie.

And since I am tired of seeing a pic of me sans makeup when I get on here...

One of my favorite pics of Isaac, taken 9/9/08. I think here is he asking his Dad when he can go home..

Transformation

2010-09-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

OK, so this really isnt the type of blog I normally do. Because my self esteem is horrid and I hate pics of myself. But..it was a challenge/game so I gave in. Here are pic of my "beauty routine" I guess for it to be a routine though I'd have to do it daily...I dont wear make up that often. haha

So here goes!

So..I roll outta bed (no pic there) and take a shower. Freshly washed wet hair!

Today I decided to go straight. If it was a curly day I'd scrunch and be done. But today I blow dry it.

But first I put on my moisturizer since it needs to "set" before applying make up and my skin is funky and tight and painful after washing my face. I use pure Australian Emu Oil.

Then comes makeup (if I so choose that day). I use mineral make up from Mineral Basicss. LOVE IT. Kinda bummed they are closing and are for sale. Hope someone buys it soon and keeps the product coming, but I stocked up so am ok for a while.

Just a bit of powder foundation (didnt feel like going into concealer and stuff today) and a bit of color on my cheeks.

Then some eye color, I used a natural browinsh color today. I use go pretty simple and basic with eye color. Wearing glasses it gets "lost" anyway.

Add a dusting of finishing powder, a smidge of color to my lips (I dont do much lipstick, never reapply, more a chapstick kinda girl, but after make up I need some color back), some mascara and face is done!
Then on to taming the hair. I didnt want it in my face so I straightened it and pulled it back. Looks a little "severe" here, but it doesnt stay back that smooth and is much more "loose" and "soft" by the time I get to work!

VIOLA! All done!

Family Roles

2010-08-31T10:47:00.000-05:00

I've been reading here lately about family roles and gender roles and such. I have always felt myself pretty much a traditionalist when it comes to stuff like gender roles and Mommy/Daddy roles in the family. However, I am seeing that my "traditional" view is much different than most folks definition of a "traditional" view. Never realized I was so far outta the norm until recently. But thats okay, I like how things are for us, and it works.

For me, I think that Daddy-time is just as important to kids development as Mommy-time. Therefore, in our household we BOTH work. But we BOTH take part in raising little one. Sure, I could probably quit my job, hubby could slave away working hideously long hours and never see his family. But to me, the sacrifice of not seeing Daddy is not worth it. Growing up I was blessed enough to have parents that were farmers and we saw both mom and dad equally. While we have a hobby farm, we are not farmers full time. Hubby owns his own business and has somewhat flexible hours, so right now he stays home with Isaac two days a week. So Isaac is only "being raised by" someone else, 3 days a week, and then he stays with Grandma. I am hoping in the near future to get my schedule changed somewhat so we can cut that down even more.

It really saddens me to see the downplaying of Daddy in the family. I am not found of the opinion of Daddy being just the breadwinner and mom does all the "important" stuff. I am greatly saddened to see a family with a SAHM who is bearing the full brunt of raising the kiddoes and keeping house and a Daddy who is rarely home and working 15 jobs. For us, in our family this just wouldnt work. I enjoy our family time and the fact that Daddy gets to participate in it just as much as I do.

Sure there are things that mama does that Daddy cannot (like breastfeeding!). But Daddy can change diapers, read stories, play trucks, etc.

Our family roles are still pretty traditional, Daddy doesnt cook, or clean too much. But I dont expect him to, nor really want him too (except for the cleaning part). I feel thats my role as Mommy/Wife, Daddy does the Daddy chores around the house (feeding chickens, and dogs, and mowing the yard).

Now, I am not putting down or judging any family who might fall under some of the aforementioned categories, so no one come on her and get mad or offended. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone or anyone isnt doing things "right". Its all about what works for your family. I just felt like blogging about what works for OURS. I am so tired of feeling judged for being a working mom. Being a working mom does NOT mean that I dont care for my family. It does NOT mean I am passing of the raising of my child to someone else. It does NOT mean that I dont also keep house and do "mom/wife stuff".

I really hate the dividers that get placed on moms/wives. One example that annoys me is a forum I'm in, there is a SAHM support thread (there was a working moms thread but it died). And what do they talk about in it...alot of housekeeping and cooking...wonderful but um...working moms do that too ya know. I mean seriously, I work full time outside the home, do people think that everything around the house gets done by my maid (haha)...oh....or maybe its the laundry gnomes that come in while I am at work and do every bit of our laundry and have it neatly folded on the bed. Or I guess maybe people think I just grab takeout on my way home everyday. Seriously? (Again, nothing again SAHMs, most of my best friends are SAHMs,-which kinda makes me the odd ball).

But anyway, yeah, thats me, thats us. It works, we are happy. Again, this post isnt directed at anyone or anything, just some stuff I've been wanting to say and well..have no one to say it too without people taking it personally. Love me or hate me! =)

2010-07-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

Funny...the very second you think you are over something it comes and bites you in the year. My son will be two in 9 days...its been nearly two years since we left the NICU behind us, why does it still bother me? Why dont I just let it go? Why do I still tear up when I think of all the stuff I missed and had to deal with instead. I know, I post posts like this alot, its probably annoying. But here I sit today...still lamenting over things and the "what ifs."

TWO??!!!

2010-07-14T11:30:00.001-05:00

Holy cow, my kid is almost TWO! In like two weeks he'll be TWO, which means in a few months I'll be saying I have an almost three year old! Which means he'll start Kindergarten soon, then be graduating highschool, and then have GIRLFRIENDS (okay, so he already hugs and kisses on the girl at church). ACK! Stop the clock! This is going too fast! =)

Okay, now for cute pictures...

Isaac on day 3 (we were too overwhelmed for pics on days 1 and 2)

Headed home at 2 Months old

Turning ONE!

18 Months

Almost two!

We will be celebrating the big day with a cookout on the creek with a fishing themed party (including actual fishing!)

Romance

2010-07-02T10:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not married to a romantic. I dont get flowers or jewlery for "no reason". Heck, I dont get flowers at all and only have gotten jewelery twice, my wedding set and an anniversary ring I BEGGED for because I had outgrown said wedding set. He doesnt cook for me, wait...does ramen count? But ya know what? I'm okay with that. Actually I'm MORE than okay with that. He's my best friend. I really really enjoy the COMFORTABLENESS that comes with being married to my best friend. Oh sure, we have our romantic interludes at an acceptable level (and we'll leave that there), dont get me wrong. But I really enjoy not having the pressure of being too romantic. I like knowing I can tell him anything and it doesnt matter. And I DO tell him anything and everything, too much sometimes he claims. But thats how I am, I WANT him to know every detail about my day, whether he wants to or not.

Of course there are days where I think, I wish he'd bring me flowers and chocolate to work "just because". Or I'll think, it would be nice if he'd fix me dinner when I am tired instead of saying "you can go get something if you want." But generally, I dont mind.

But dont get me wrong, he IS sweet to me. Like when he walked in the office 5 minutes to 5:00 one day we rode together because he had bought me ice cream and was afraid it would melt before I got off to eat it. And bigger stuff, like when Isaac was in the hospital he gave up his time to hold him because he said I needed it more. And the nights he sleeps on the couch with Isaac because he knows I'm tired and Isaac is fussy.

Then there are the days I want to bonk him on the head. Like when I come home from work on "Daddy Days" (where he stays home with Isaac) and NOTHING has been done because he's "watching the boy."

But its ok. He's my friend. And I dont just LOVE him, I actually kinda like him a little. Okay, alot...most of the time. ;-P

I really like being married to my friend. Its kinda nice.

Okay, so most of these pics are old. We dont have many pics together.

Isaac-isms

2010-06-29T13:54:00.000-05:00

Its time for some Isaac-isms. Here is what little man is up to lately.

* He LOVES corn on the cob. When I was putting it in the freezer the other day he kept snatching ears and hiding to eat them. Luckily he stayed with Daddy the next day so he got the enjoyment of THOSE diapers after three raw ears of corn.

* He finally overcame his fear of the slide and climbs up and slides down. Exclaims "do it 'gin" and repeats.

* We MUST moo (or "oooo") at every cow we see, and we live in the country so thats alot of "ooo"-ing.

* He likes to throw his "bop" (Ball) for the dog.

* We thought about potty training but he prefers to wear the potty seat on his head as he runs through the house exclaiming "HAT!"

* At VBS he really got into the songs with motions. He would throw his hands over his head and yell "GOD!!!"

* Oh and he was a great helper, when the kids would get loud and the adults would try to get them to be quiet, Isaac would turn to the crowd and yell "BE QUIET!!!" then grin with obvious pride over his task.

* Here lately he loves helping wash dishes. The worst that can happen is that he pours soapy water on my floor that is sticky from the Kool Aid he poured out earlier.

* The kid could live "out-si" if we'd let him.

* Following the start of hay season, all trucks and "traccers" must be pulling some type of equipment. We recently had to develop a way for his ride on truck to pull the wagon so he could haul his hay (blocks).

* He loves to talk on the phone, with his head cocked to the side he he'll wonder around casually yakking up a storm. We'll occassionally hear "Really?" "WOW" and then "bye bye"

* We love eating "bops" (Balls) also known as watermelon, blueberries, apples, oranges, anything round and fruity.

* The other night he re-told me the story of the Three Bears. He would jabber incoherently then say "mama, papa, baby, bear" then jabber, then I'd hear "yummmm mmmm mmm" (eating porridge) then "ni ni" (sleeping in their beds).

* He loves watching (and copying) "cook" on TV (also known as Food Network).

I love my kid.

23 Months

2010-06-29T11:55:00.000-05:00

Isaac is 23 months old today. My last month as mommy to a one year old Isaac. Funny how you can think the scary feelings and memories have gone away, then when an anniversary of a date rolls around it all comes rushing back anew. Don't worry, I'm ok, just remembering. Remembering how June 29 of 2008 I was thinking how I had an ETERNITY until my wonderful little blessing would arrive, who woulda thought he would come in just one month, setting the course for the wildest scariest yet wonderful (in its own way) roller coaster ride I've ever been on (and I HATE roller coasters). But its been great. I've grown and learned so much. God had a reason behind all we went through, which at the time just felt like punishment. But really it's wasnt. It grew my marriage, grew my faith, and allowed me to actually get to see a miracle first hand. I love my miracle, he is really so much more than I could ever ask for. Not only that, he is my hero, yes, my almost two year old is my hero.

Then, the best moment of my life.

Now...Mommys little helper.

Then and Now

2010-06-28T14:26:00.001-05:00

I feel the need for a then and now post...

First time in bouncy...Oct 6, 2008...a little over two months old.(and still a "corded" baby..what? dont all newborns come with cords and monitors?)

In the bouncy today...June 28, 2010, 23 months old (it converts to a toddler chair, so no, we dont make our kid still sit in the baby bouncy)

My Fan Club

2010-06-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

Hello all my followers. I noticed I have several. However...I'm a tad weirded out about that. There are several folks I dont know. Sorry to say I am contemplating deleting you if I dont know you and you are "following" me. I'm all for making new friends but you must come out of lurkdom to do that. So....if you get blocked and you really ARE someone I know, you might want to let me know...no hard feelings! My life is truely not so exciting and the info I post so wonderful that random folks want to follow me...seriously....

Blog Re-do

2010-05-26T12:02:00.002-05:00

My blog is boring me...look for a re-vamp very soon.

Maybe more crafties...more recipes...more "stuff"...

A Better Day

2010-05-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

My last post was depressing...lets blame in on PMS, a messy house, and lack of sleep...that makes me a not very nice person. But thanks everyone for all the sweet comments, they all made me smile, some made me cry. I love my friends.

I miss blogging...I read people's cool blogs and get all inspired to blog more...then log in and stare at the blank screen for a while...what do I blog about? My life is pretty dull and I am not very good at making the mundane tasks of my day seem interesting.

This past weekend I went to a Search Dog Training Seminar...that is interesting right? Staying all weekend, outside (well the 'inside' parts were rock cabins where you could see daylight through the cracks). Did I mention I had a two year old in tow too? Yeah...interesting. You'd think it'd be the ladies at this kind of thing that would ooo and ahh over the cute kid...nope...it was the men. The 6+ft tall, intimidating looking (until you get to know them), men who would scoop him up and rock him to sleep. Nice.

Inferior

2010-05-14T15:47:00.000-05:00

I feel inferior...I always have. To everyone. I feel like everyone around me sees me and thinks that I am ugly or fat or dumb or making bad choices. I have always felt this way, I wont lie. I can't recall a time in my life when I havent felt this way. I dont like it. I wish it would change.

I'm not saying any of this for sympathy. Or for anyone to come tell me I'm not fat/ugly/dumb/etc. I'm just saying this to get it off my chest.

For some reason today I feel under attack. It started out with just a simple "off" feeling day, but its progressing into me feeling depressed. But its Friday so maybe it will get better. I'm just so sick of feeling inferior, feeling like things just dont ever work out for me...like everything I touch is either a failure, or ends up being "the hard way." Seriously, nothing I have ever done has turned out "right" or gone smoothly. I'm just so sick of it. For once I want something to be easy, to be "right", to not be a disaster. Ugh.

Knitting

2010-05-07T13:42:00.002-05:00

I want to learn to knit....maybe I'll do that this weekend.

Happiness

2010-04-22T16:33:00.001-05:00

I havent been blogging in a while...I think its because I havent NEEDED to. Which is a good thing. Maybe I am finally healing. I said from the beginning that this blog was therapy. When I needed to get something out that no one really understood or "got" I would blog it. It kept me from going insane and driving others insane reiterating the same laments over and over.

The past couple of weeks I've felt happy. Nothing big really going on, just happy. Not that I was UNhappy before, just a different kind of peace and happiness. I think alot of it comes down to choosing to be happy. Even when things are insane, you have the choice to be happy or depressed. Been having this discussion with some friends alot here lately. Its all about perspective and what you choose to feel. Sometimes you just have to say it too, you may not believe it at that point, but saying it over and over and telling yourself that you are choosing to be happy, eventually you'll believe it.

Be thankful for your troubles. When you dishes are all dirty, be thankful you had the food to dirty those dishes. When the laundry piles up, at least you know you had clothes on your back. When your kid is screaming chasing the dog around the house with the plastic hoe, choose to be thankful that your child is physically able to do said antics.

Oh yeah....and no post is complete without a pic of the world's most handsome kiddo...

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen

2010-01-28T15:26:00.000-06:00

I think I have posted this before, maybe not. But I LOVE this. I came across it again today and wanted to post it again.

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his
instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he
observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to
profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.
"Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God?
She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That
would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea
of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so
rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has
just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,
she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time,
she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--
ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--
and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in
the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

2010-01-18T16:36:00.001-06:00

Make Believe Chef

2009-12-30T09:38:00.001-06:00

I've started a new blog. DOnt worry, not abandoning this one...this is just a recipe blog.

http://makebelievechef.blogspot.com/

Robbed

2009-12-24T12:31:00.002-06:00

Isaac is almost 17 months old and I still feel robbed of pregnancy. Last night at a family thing I could have cried...one girl is due next month and another is about 6 or 7 months. Then there were a few other moms (both girls already have kids) and they were talking about last stages of pregnancy, pre-labor signs, how long their kids were, how big they were, etc. And even though I am a fellow mom I could not participate in that convo at all. I felt so cheated. I too am a mom. I have a baby. I delivered said baby. But I am still not a part of that "club." Instead I am a member of an exclusive club that no one understands. I wanted to just run out of the room and cry, you'd think I'd be over it by now huh?

Merry Christmas

2009-12-08T10:49:00.002-06:00

It gets old...

2009-10-10T11:06:00.002-05:00

It gets old having my pregnancy and birth experience constantly discounted. Being chastised for sharing my feelings because I might scare someone or make them feel guilty for discussing third trimester woes.

I'm sorry this post sounds whiney and everyone probably thinks I should move on. But other women are allowed to talk about their childbirth/pregnancy experiences, then why can't I?

Maybe I should drop it, forget it, and move on...but well I cant ok...I cant. I'm messed up. I'm bitter. I am probably suffering from some type of PTSD. I know it. I admit to it. And well theres nothing I can do about it.

I dont wish what happened to me on anyone but the reality is 1 in 8 babies in the US are born premature and those stats are on the rise! So the chances of a premature birth or preterm labor effecting you or someone close to you are pretty high, though I pray no one I know has to go through it.

First Sentence

2009-09-26T09:45:00.001-05:00

Spoken at 5am, to a sleepy mama, who refused to let him out of bed to go play, while the cat was sitting in the windowsill taunting him.. "I get that cat!" Aye yay yae...what does that mean for my future.

Walking

2009-09-24T14:27:00.002-05:00

He walks!

This time last year we were getting ready for the "long haul" and were going to the hospital to "room in" upon my declaration "I'm not coming home without my baby!" And we didnt, it took 5 long days but we stayed there and worked with him until he came home. The first time I ever felt like a mommy...

This time this year...I am chasing a walking boy. You heard me right, my little man is walking. He takes about 4 or 5 steps then falls, but its one more step every day. And its not the whole, stand him up and reach out as he walks to you, he'll pull up, decide to go get something and walk over to it. And last night I caught him putting his feet under himself and pushing up, he didnt make it all the way to standing but I saw the wheels turning in his head at his new discovery.

Labor

2009-09-23T11:22:00.003-05:00

Not all women will know when they are in labor.
Please quit telling women this.
Please quit saying "Oh hun, you'll know when its the real thing..haha"
and "oh, real contractions you cant talk through"
and "oh your only 29/30/33/etc weeks, first baby's are always late"
Please just stop.
Premature birth is not fun.
It happens.
However, giving expecting mom's proper information could help reduce it.
So please, just quit talking....

Not trying to scare anyone or anything, but if someone had told me the TRUTH, things might have been a little different. But no, I though there was no way I was in labor at 28 weeks, my contractions werent "bad" enough.

NICU Visit

2009-09-21T14:19:00.002-05:00

Visiting the NICU went good. It was odd walking in, I felt like I was in a fog. Pressing "2" on the elevator felt like I was on auto pilot.

We couldnt go back into the main unit due to the flu children arent currently allowed. Which in a way gave me some closure. We arent allowed anymore, we arent part of that anymore. We've moved on. We used to be a part of it, we used to be allowed, but we arent anymore. Kind of like saying, this door is closed, you've graduated.

An obviously new NICU mom was wheeled into the NICU to vist her baby for the first time as we were leaving....I wanted to grab her and hug her and introduce her to Isaac. I didnt, I choked up, swallowed the lump in my throat and prayed for her, she has a bumpy road ahead, but hopefully next year she'll be in our shoes.

We got to go back into 2K (last unit before going home) the nurse who was with us when we roomed in and checked us out was there. Isaac told her all kinds of tales. Not sure what all he said but it involved "truck" "Kitty cat" "dog" "get it" and "Isaac"

Then we left. We walked out, with our son, got on the elevator, with our son, pressed "L", with our son, walked out the main door, with our son, walked across the parking lot, with our son, got in the car, with our son, and went home, WITH OUR SON.

I almost literally felt a closure and weight come off me. It is finished. Isaac is awesome. Isaac is perfect. Isaac is our child, not theirs. They cannot "take him back." They were pleased with his progress. They may not have even remembered us, but we remembered them, I needed this. Its over.

Its still a part of me, always will be. I'm still a preemie "activist." I'll still blog about preemie stuff. Still nag expecting mothers on knowing signs of premature labor and why EVERY week of pregnancy counts (yes, even weeks 38, 39, 40, even 41 or 42!) Still gripe about people's stupid comments to preemie moms (ie: "you are so lucky to have a preemie, no stretch marks and you missed the 'hard' part of pregnancy!") I feel like thats why I was given this. I was chosen to be a preemie mom for a reason and I plan to use that experience. I'm not superior to anyone and I'm far from perfect but if I can tell ONE person information to help then its worth it. Me and Isaac...my little super hero...fighting for tiny and sick babies everywhere.

Visitng NICU

2009-09-17T10:34:00.002-05:00

We will be near the hospital this weekend and are planning to stop by and visit the NICU. I am excited to show off Isaac and let his nurses see how well he is doing , however I am a little nervous. It might seem silly, but just the thought of walking back through that lobby and getting on the elevator and pressing "2" and picking up that phone and asking to be let in, kind of makes me nervous. Just the thought of it makes me get short of breath. I can smell it, I can hear the beeps on the monitors. It will be good though, it will be healing, I think. Just remember us on Saturday.

Cats Are More Fun

2009-09-10T10:34:00.002-05:00

Cats are more fun than mom. At least Isaac thinks so .
Last night we were happily playing trucks in the floor.
I had the girl "Little People" and the purple Chuck Truck.
Isaac had the boy farmer "Little People" and the backhoe Chuck Truck.
We were both happily going "Brrrrmmmm"
Then the cat walks by, slinkily, with his tail held high.
I'm sure he smirked at me as he sauntered by.
Isaac stops, drops his toys and exclaims "CAT!!"
And was gone, into the other room chasing the "Cat!"
I sat bewildered with my purple truck and little girl.
Mama just got the blow off.

I followed him into the other room and said "Hey, what about me?"
He laughed and then chased the "Cat!" into the other room.
He played with the cat and I did dishes. =(
Until he decided it was time to rock "night night" and to have milkies...
No one has milkies like mama, not even the "Cat!"